What if..

What if i miss you.. what if i was thinking of you.. what if i wish you were here.. what if the skies here were full of star.. what if it's forever full moon.. what if i was giving up.. what if i am stilling loving you.. what if i suddenly disappear.. what if you were here.. what if i need you.. what if!! what... if... i really don't know anymore.. you are near but yet so far.. so far until i can't see you.. what to do.. tired.. pray for a better tomorrow.. not sure am i even gonna be given that chance.. if i was going to die.. i wish i had a lot of money at that time.. hope to plan something unforgettable at least before everything end.. and i start losing who i am finding.. where am i? who am i? why am i me? what am i suppose to do? when can i find myself? how can i do that?

For how long?

How long has it been since i haven't write anything here.. very long i guess.. either way nothing to look forward here... haiz.. truth is i know how adults see me.. adults referring to my uncles and aunts.. i know they think that i am lazy.. and may be a bad influence to their kids or whatsoever but seriously.. what you want me to do.. i go there on a holiday not go there study like crazy.. even if i want to study i don't have the mood to do it.. so what is your problem?? i am tired of knowing how you all see me.. so what.. your child is smarter than me.. i am not them.. why must i be smart/ hardworking just to be able to love by you all.. i am just trying to be who i am isn't that good enough already? i am who i am... so please stop comparing me with everyone... i am the only one in this world who is me.. GET IT!?!?! ME!! Not him.. Not her.. Not them.. Not they.. ME!! and only me.. == seriously.. i give up.. that is what everybody wants.. a smart, hardworking........ people.. why am i in this world anyway.. why does everyone want me to be who they want.. seriously... if you can't do it how the hell you want me to do it.. life is getting harder you know.. not easier.. i am already stress enough.. can you all just stop it.. i am already at the cliff end.. who you want me do.. i only got two choice.. one jump down the cliff (give up).. two push pass all of you (try again).. but you are no giving me a chance to push pass... i really don't know anymore.. so should i continue studying.. i really don't see myself in the light anymore.. no matter how hard i try i can never the person to please all of you.. really.. i can't.. is not that i don't want.. but seriously.. nevermind.. i know one day.. that day is closer.. i feel it.. i will go crazy.. i wish everyone the best.. i'll be praying for that day to come slower..

Afraid...

I suddenly became very afraid.. i don't want to lose.. growing up is a part of life but.. i don't want.. shows that like will soon be all gone.. is already disappearing now.. i just hope i stays there.. because it can at least make me feel that no matter how to world change something is still there.. waiting for me to recall.. if i had a chances i will buy all the anime i love all the movie i love and just pray that they won't be broken.. lost.. yes world you can change the future.. but please don't delete my past.. it means a lot to me.. no matter how bad it is..

Do you know?.. or do i know..?

I really don't know what is wrong with me.. everytime i see you like that get angry.. i get piss off.. i wonder is it because you change.. or maybe i am the one who change. or is that i am unable to help you at all.. i.. haiz.. forget it.. >~<'' i give up.. so tired..

In the end..

I didn't have time to post the story up.. i didn't finish it.. more like i didn't bother.. haiz.. everything is going to pile up soon.. i wish teacher would give us the project already.. >~<'' he better give it now if not i won't have the mood to do it le!!.. not only no mood also no time... AHHHHHH!!!! :S *faints*  everything getting harder and harder.. :(

Beginning...

Maybe since my blog is kind of dead... i don't know what to share.. or what is positive.. is to complicated to think about it.. so i think i will use it to write a story a make up one see how things goes... i am hoping i will have many idea on how to write the story.. hope you all can imagine the story the way that i did.. or at least get what i am writing...

I don't know how..

I really really hate you at times.. i guess i am a type of person that doesn't want to be forgotten.. but it seems i am easily forgotten.. was it something i done? or did i not do enough.. i used to say so long you are happy nothing matters.... but now i don't know already.. no matter what is out there waiting for me i have to face it on my own right? i get it now.. it so clear now.. pray for the future then..

Erm...

I always wonder if being kind is a good thing.. and is forgiving the right thing..? When people say they forgive you, please always remember this.. they haven't forgotten.. and they never will. believe it or not.. when both of you have an argument again.. he/she will bring it up again... this prove that though they forgive but they never forget... humans are a funny creature aren't they? some are hurt easily.. some just seems so full of confidence.. some are always smiling.. some or always hiding.. either way all humans are the same.. or should i say some..? they hiding things to themselves.. cry alone.. what you see are not the real them.. though some cry infront of others.. because they know that, that person is able to solve it.. and those they we think friends are not able to solve we hide it in us.. right?

Unfinish...

There is so many thing to do.. or it should be i want to do.. but nothing seems to be complete... is either half way done or i have given up on it.. i have never actually seen something finish.. even if i did finish it.. it just doesn't turn out the way i hope it will be.. there is always a missing feeling from it.. maybe i am the one who has the missing feeling not the things i do.. but either way things can't be done.. this is just tiring.. but what to do this is life.. and i have to live on with it.. =3=

Either or.. neither nor??

Clear my mind...  hmm.. how?? i don't know why everytime i empty my mind.. i feel scare.. i just feel like someone is behind me.. or maybe there is... is just i am never calm to feel it.. now clearing my mind is kind of a scary thing.. but i have to.. in order to learn.. to learn something.. and so i can understand why.. i guess it is normal being afraid.. but i have to overcome it either way.. if not.. i can't learn.. and i know it's scary.. but what to do i want to learn... @@

Back ;)

Finally back in Singapore.. XD don't really know what am i thinking.. or what the dreams these past few days is about.. hmm.. i can only say i have a sudden interest in tarot... actually i had always been interested.. but now i am kind of motivated to really study it.. :D well hope everything goes well... kind of stuck with the part.. of should i use poker cards or tarot cards... >~<'''

Wake up already!!.. kay? :'(

You know it.. you should have already know it.. but why.. you knew didn't you? why... why.. why are you doing this to yourself... there won't be any result... there won't.. so why do you bother.. you of all people should know how tiring this is.. you should.. but why.. why are you still torturing yourself.. i want it to end.. and either you end it.. or i end it.. which has no differences actually.. we both are the same person.. and that either way.. i have to move on.. crying won't help.. getting mad won't help.. shouting won't help.. nothing will help actually... except.. if i continue.. continue walking... and walking.. till.. i finally finish it...

Your Answer...

I understand.. i finally understand.. i think if i die you also won't care... == you will only care about how clean your house is.. ah.. whatever lah.. anyway your son is more precious then me.. fine then.. spoil him then.. whatever he become is your fault.. whatever he become don't blame that i never say anything.. is all your fault.. i scold him about what he done wrong.. you scold me saying that if i never say anything he won't be like that.. then let him be.. whatever he freaking turn in to is NON OF MY BUSINESS!! you don't even care.. why should i.. ==

A saying??

I came across this sentence long time ago.. but i didn't think much of it until recently.. (There Is No Such Thing As Coincident, The Is Only Necessity...) is this true? if i change everything that i thought was coincident into necessity.. it just sounds and looks very wrong in a way.. or maybe there is a meaning under it.. if i ever figure it out.. maybe i will post it here.. well that is if anyone were even reading these in the first place...

So long..

It has been so long seen i last wrote anything here... now that i realize the world is changing.. into a more and more different thoughts and feeling kind.. meaning.. that things are not like it use to be.. last time people can smile for no reason.. they can laugh for no reason.. they can even do whatever they can to help a person and not wanting anything in return... i can't see this people anymore.. they are getting lesser and lesser... or is that everyone is still the same.. but they are afraid to show.. to this world they say.. you can never trust anyone.. not even your family members... i was thinking won't it be very hard.. to me trusting is kind of important... if you don't trust me then you can just leave.. because there is no point in keeping a friendship/relationship if 'suspect' is in the way.. i hoping that my friends will really trust me.. because.. even if i lie.. i have my reason.. and that lie wasn't meant to hurt you in the first place...

I wonder...

Kind of wonder.. that is there anyone out there who come back often to view my blog... wonder is there anyone out there who like my blog.... i been wondering.. because i kind of starting to lose motivation to write on blog... at first is a place for me to share my thoughts and feeling.. but then after that.. i was thinking i am sharing.. but to whom... please respond if there is.. cause i am kind of lost here.. thanks for the help.. i appreciate it a lot...

Maybe... hmm..

I guess my dreamland is better then reality.. i tried very hard to no stay in my dreamland.. i can't bare to leave it.. this world is just full of mystery.. and kind of scary.. but then there is also a lot of this i want to find out.. like are there other human outside the galaxy? where did animals come from? why are humans so smart? who created maths? why is the sky light blue but the galaxy is dark blue/black? why  does the star look white from the earth but up close they are red? where did all the different language come from? there is so much question i want to ask.. but there is not alot of answers for them..maybe next time when you all create something remember the create a answers for that question that others might ask.. XD

Horoscope :)

Though i been reading a lot about it.. but i wish to write it.. to help others with.. and it just all come to.. maybe i don't know enough.. maybe i need to research more.. maybe what i write it's not true.. but i still find it cool.. people might not know.. but i know that each person horoscope is different.. as in they act differently somewhere.. because you maybe born on that day of the horoscope, but you still need to see the year you are born in, the blood type you are, what horoscope are the people around you.. these all make who you are.. there is 12 horoscope, the is 12 zodiac, there is 4 blood type, there are 365 birthday.. so now now can you see how special you are? this is call individual!! so though someone might be similar to you.. but they can never be the same as you.. planning to take notes of it and maybe write it out.. (or how about this.. so do you think i should do it? anyone to answer that question??)

x.x

Haiz... tired.. i seriously need to stop thinking.. it's really killing me... AHHH!!... stop it will you.. what and i pissed off of everything and anything... OMG!! i am so going crazy... never been so pissed off before.. what is wrong with me!! mood swing.. yeah maybe.. but what the heck can don't swing until like crazy a not.. feel like just screaming out of the window... but then who knows someone might call the police to catch me... or others might think i am crazy.. and send me to IMH (mental hospital)?? gosh i wish it stops.. ==''

Watse of my time and effort..

If you want die the go on... no one is stopping.. yeah i know... what i say won't change this freaking world in to a better place.. not as if you dying will change it to a better place either.. you think you are the only one who suffer... you haven't seen the world.. and bull shit say you know it world well enough.. by saying you suffer more proves it wrong.. everyone ask me leave you alone.. let you be.. and yeah.. i thought that by talking to you it will make a difference at least a little.. and oh right.. i see how this is going.. come on.. who the hell you think you are.. your mum gave birth to you and you want to die just like that.. everytime you are like this i just can't help but want to knock some sense in to you.. and that i always end up getting curse by you.. and you say that i part of what made you like this.. but for you information.. i didn't ask you to kill yourself.. i didn't ask you to doubt me.. i didn't ask you to curse me.. i didn't ask you help me either.. and that i realize you didn't either.. so from now on.. whatever.. is always the same.. you said you change.. but you freaking didn't at all..

What is ahead?

Most people don't know what will happen tomorrow... some might know but doesn't know when it happen.. some might know when it will happen but doesn't know what will happen.. so either way we know something and don't know some.. this already show that humans are not perfect... those people who think that are just can't see what we see.. and that is one of the imperfect they have.. so don't think why can't you be like them.. you have your own path to success.. it may take a longer rote.. but who know maybe that longer rote might just help you to be better than your friends/enemy or whoever... you just have to believe you can.. because i believe we all can.. in our own ways.. and that not one can have the same life or live the same way like you.. being you is who make you... YOU!! so after you see this.. SMILE!! and face the world bravely... i know i am not brave.. but together we stand divided we fall.. so let's do our best.. to live your best in life.. ENJOY IT!! BECAUSE IT'S YOUR LIFE!! :) no one else can enjoy it for you.. :)

I am left with... me?

I know previous two post are song.. well.. i post it cause first it's nice and i want to share it.. next is maybe that is how i feel.. which i know a lot of you feel the same.. I don't believe it last time.. well actually now i still kind of don't believe.. i learn of ways to read hand lines.. which people say is for the future.. or what you will become.. what is it that will come and so on.. i didn't really believe.. until i remember that there is a saying destiny is in your hands.. that is when i realize.. maybe it's true.. destiny is in your hands.. (more like written on your hands) learning more and more about people (human) everyday... and that i realize i have been searching for my real self.. or myself everyday.. everytime which seem that i found it (myself) i just lost it.. or it just fade away.. is everyone else also searching for themselves? or am i the only one..

好聽

你说的话 我都相信
说得好听 说得甜蜜
你说的每一句 我都相信
为了爱情 失了聪明
听你的话 闭上眼睛
这个梦多美丽 让它继续
你说的话 总那麼好听
你爱不爱 我不能确定
也许你只把它当游戏
我却爱得太用力

你说的话 我都相信
说得好听 说得甜蜜
你说的每一句 我都相信
为了爱情 失了聪明
听你的话 闭上眼睛
这个梦多美丽 让它继续
你说的话 总那麼好听
你爱不爱 我不能确定
也许你只把爱当游戏
我却没那麼聪明
你说的话 总那麼好听
你爱不爱 我不想确定
我会关掉你送的手机
然後 静静 不去理
你说的话 总那麼好听
你爱不爱 我不想确定
我会关掉你送的手机
然後 静静
静静 是再也不去理

断掌

一双手掌的断纹 真的注定了一生
宿命里的爱与恨 谁甘心逐岁月浮沉
啊... 我要有自己的人生
啊... 把不可能变成可能
命运里要对抗的到底是天还是人
把手掌握成拳头紧紧咬紧牙根
昨天的沉默一直到今天的容忍
明天所有的梦想让它变真
命运里要接受的到底是天还是人
不信掌心的断纹这就是人生
昨天的努力一直到今天的责任
明天的我带着自信的眼神
啊啊啊啊.........
啊啊啊啊.........
一个柔弱的女人 也该有自己的福分
生活里的苦和闷 也不掩饰内心真诚
啊... 我要有自己的人生
啊... 把不可能变成可能
命运里要对抗的到底是天还是人
把手掌握成拳头紧紧咬紧牙根
昨天的沉默一直到今天的容忍
明天所有的梦想让它变真
命运里要接受的到底是天还是人
不信掌心的断纹这就是人生
昨天的努力一直到今天的责任
明天的我带着自信的眼神
明天的我带着自信的眼神

My light..

Dear Friends,
                     If you can't find the light in the dark.. or that you can only see darkness now... do remember before you go on your journey, bring along a torch light with lots of spare batteries... i know it might run out one day.. so bring along a jar... to catch fireflies on the way... though fireflies life is short.. but at least it brought light to you world... after that find the stars.. knowing that some can see the stars.. then find the moon... i know that it is not always full moon... bring along glow in the dark things.. bring lots of them.. and by doing a these if it still doesn't work nevermind... because you manage to drag the time of it.. and i should be with you by then.. i can't bring anything that is bright that shines forever.. but i can accompany you walking your road of darkness from then on... i promise let's walk this road together.. :) and that we will walk out of it one day..
                                                                                                                                Love,
                                                                                                                                Someone Who Cares <3

World~~

Time seem to pass very fast and slow at times.. but either way is may tomorrow.. and that 5 months have pass.. whether this world is going to end at 2012 we will found out soon... though knowing that it won't.. still thinking that what will the world become if it did.. what will humans do... will that save one another.. or they will use one another just to survive... knowing that humans are usually selfish.. and it doesn't really pays for you to be kind.. as people just take it for granted... but who knows.. i might also be the selfish one at this type of situation... first of all cause we aren't thinking.. we panic too much to even think.. so i guess.. we will just have to wait and see what happen this year.. :S

Starlights...

Shining brightly.. feeling the warmth of it.. twinkle goes the stars... like many eyes winking at you... hoping to catch your eyes.. and that only people who would stop and look at the world will see it.. people who are rushing.. rushing pass.. rushing to earn money... rushing to learn more... rushing to take revenge? they are the once who won't be able to take a look at how pretty the sky is... i guess the heart is worth breaking? it because that everytime i get hurt... thinking that the world is like ending... when i take a look at it.. i realize that this beautiful world is always there with me... and that i didn't have the time to see it.. now that i see it.. i want everyone to be able to see it as well.. so please slow down and take a good look at things around you... take a look at how your family and friends love you... that a look at the mirror see how much you have grown.. and that everyone is growing.. your parents are growing older and not younger.. treasure them.. love them... and reminder to all mother's day is coming.. make something, buy something or do something for the lovely mother you have.. the one that care for you since young... 14 more days to go.. so start planning now!! well actually is 13.. cause today is ending soon. XD

Miracle..

There can be miracles when you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe...

Believe... because all can be taken.. but not your faith, hope, believes.. and finally miracles will happen.. just wait and see.. :)

Need..

If i were to go back in time... i actually don't want to change anything.. though i know there are a lot of things i regret... a lot of things i wish i could change.. but if i have this chance i won't change anything... i will just go back and see how happy i was before.. i know you might wonder why i don't want to change a thing... because if i change it.. i won't be able to learn from it... everything i know will change... is like saying to have to suffer first before you can have real happiness... so if i change then i will have a happy past... but does that means i have a horrible future? so either way i am not going to take that risk... i am just going to thank people who made me laugh... being able to make me laugh at bad times.. means you are a special person.. a person full of wonders.. but either way whether you are special a not... i am not going like anyone... well not yet.. i don't want to feel that pain again... maybe i am to be single forever? but i just want to be happy.. so please stop torturing me can you? haven't really forget that person... i have been trying very hard.. but i guess you can only say time.. will heal... :) BE HAPPY!! and believe?

Wants...

It seems in the month of April i have nothing much to write... recently seen a show name Prince of Egypt.. didn't really know about this show till i was searching randomly on the web.. this show interest me cause i want to know what happen to the slaves there.. i end up knowing that the world is cruel.. people are selfish but either way they pray to god.. the blame god.. after so long the god finally found a way to help them.. this story teach me that everything can be taken away from me.. but not faith... it made me cry when they are singing... at the same time i don't think the prince was evil.. though he took people as slaves and torture them... but he did to follow his father's footstep and to complete the world he see.. but he ends up losing everything.. i don't to pity him or to be angry at him... is just the method he use is wrong.. this just proves that no one is evil... but they use the wrong method.. or did it cause they believe in what they believe.. well.. don't really think is wrong believing in what you believe... the 'prince' (other one) didn't care much till he found of he was a slave but got saved... it just shows if you are willing to change everyone will be willing to forgive.. so now.. i have to learn to forgive... which i did but i don't think i forgive with all my heart.. FORGIVE AND FORGET!! then you will be able to SMILE!!! :)

Dreams and Wonders

I want to do a lot of things.. suddenly.. i am guessing the way for me to stop thinking about unimportant things.. i have to keep myself busy... very busy.... i can't even have a little break... if not all will come to me again... now i plan to buy 28 note books... well.. at least i think i only need 28 of them... hope it goes well.. cause well... a lot things never went well in my life... i always have this sudden feeling that i am more then who i think i am.. or i can do this.. or i can do better... but then sometimes... when my hopes are up so high... it just comes down.. very fast.. and then it will seem that i am wasting my time... now i am guess... must make use of the hope when it is up high... before it comes down.. so i am kind of racing against time.. maybe i will be able to complete it.. or maybe not... but what matters is that i did my best and i enjoy it.. so well... SMILE :)

STM!! >~<""

Oops i forgotten about my blog... x.x well can also say that nothing much happen this few days that is why i never thought of my blog... well nothing much maybe a lie.. but what else can i do... i always have been lying to make me smile... well not lying to others... just myself... truth is i miss you... but do you even notice... i love you... but do you even care... i need you... but you won't even look at me.. i am guessing that i am not important... well as least that is what i see.. i miss... i love.. i need.. i want.. i hate.. i can see that i am the one who give myself all the problem... just forget it and continue walking..

Tired...

I guess is really a bad thing to know too much.. knowing that you are not able to help... is just so torturing... asking me to just stand there and wait is so hard... but sometimes is best standing at the side.. sometimes you wish to help but you can't... sometimes you don't wish to be in it but somehow you are drag into the problem.. suddenly kind of interested in bibles... wonder where did all this start from... who is the first person who told this story... if said that Adam and Eve was the first human on earth... then why do scientist say that human evolve from monkey? why, why and why?? >~<'' anyone has the answer??  

What to do?? >~<''

Have no idea what am i thinking or what i want.. don't really know what to post these few days.. and not only i don't know what to post.. the blog also won't let me post.. who to blame... my computer? the internet? this blog? or myself? the connection? what or who to blame.. no one.. like in real life who to blame for everything? still have to get on with life... and continue tomorrow.. the time won't wait for you.. the day or night won't wait for you.. no one will wait for you.. look ahead and GOOD LUCK!! :)

Story with no ending..

I guess i know why some author don't write stories with ending... is not because they don't want to... is because if they write a happy ending it is like too good to be true... in reality happy ending are not really that happy.. is more like a normal ending... nothing special... if the author write a sad ending... then the readers will hate the ending no matter what who don't love happy ending... okay maybe a few people.. that is the problem here... no everyone will like the story.... so when the author write a story without an ending is hoping that everyone can imagine their own... their very own special ending.. everyone have different wishes... everyone have different thinkings... so a story without ending is usually the one with the best ending... so enjoy your own story... which is your life... tomorrow is always a brand new chapter. :)

I hate myself..

Why is it that the past keeps on haunting me... what is it that i must learn from.. or what is it that i have to know.. why are you doing this to me... who are you to me... how important are you to me... i don't get it... if things go on like this i will go crazy... is not easy to forget something... but it is harder when you already forget something but you remember it somehow... is like can't it just be forgotten... why is it like that... you knew i can't have so what for remember... you knew it was in the past so what for remember... you knew that you can't rewind the time so what for remember... you knew it will never be the same so what for remember... and though i never regret loving you... but i regret remembering you... every memories just hurts me.. so what if it is already very long.. i did forget.. or at least i tired to... but you just remind me of it... and now i have to start all over again.. and i am tired of do this over and over again...

Wish..

I am greedy i know.. but i can't help it.. i want.. i want everyone to smile... i want.. i want everyone to be happy.. i want... i want everyone to be healthy.. i want... i want to have a lot of friends... true friends.. i want.. i want lots of money to help this world... i want... i want to have a peaceful life... i want... i want everyone to be problems free... i want... i want... everything i also want.. but not everything i can have.. i guess that is what you call fair.. or share.. because if god is our parents... then everyone is my siblings... and that they always said you must share.. give... but why.. why some people's life... is just so good... and some is just that bad.. share... then why is everyone one not equal... there is always a bias somewhere... i want it to be fair.. we are all humans afterall...

Sadness..

Why.. why is it that other people's problem always seems a lot worst then mine.. yet why can't i help any of them.. i feel so useless here... i want to help... at the same time i don't want to help... why am i like this... don't know what i am thinking this two days.. i just don't get it... how i wish.. i can suffer everyone's problem for them.. problems are already hard enough for one person to take it.. so why do so many people have problems.. if i could i would suffer of them.. then maybe this world you can see more smiles... i mean real smile..

Goldfish..

Always heard that they have short memories.. some say 3 seconds some say 5 seconds while the scientist says they do remember.. their memories can be up to 3 months long... i find them amazing... sometimes.. it feels i am going just crumble down... break down or something.. i have nothing to say about how bad or how good is this life.. i can only think that it's fair... or at least hope that it is fair.. what is the best way to give myself a break from this world? i can't find any... homework and projects... are just going to flood in soon.. how long can i keep this up...  i can see that everyone has their problems.. but why they can handle their problems so well.. and i am here complaining about it... the more i wish i can be stronger... the more i feel like crying... haven't cried since don't know when.. but i know it's a long time... kind of wondering if i will be able to cry.. or my tears don't even bother about me... that the tears also think that it is not even worth crying... kind of wish i were a goldfish if their memories was 3 seconds long..

Wonderland...

A world with with a bright sun smiling to me every morning... birds singing for the world.. clouds fluffy as usual with shape of anything it wants to be.. flowers blooming smiling back at the sun.. grass soft and green for all i can see... the sea transparent blue shining back at me.. a mountain so big and white wonder what could be there.. a small lake with fishes.... a pond with lily... the warm sand under my feet.. i love my wonderland... i see deers, rabbits, swans, ducks, dolphins, whale... who knows what is out there waiting... at night.. the moon brighten the night... the star twinkle like eye winking at you... and i just lie down and see whether i am lucky enough to see a shooting star pass by..

Erm....

Tomorrow... april fools day.... hmm... is something going to happen to me on that day?... maybe i am just too sensitive.. o.o but then... every time i think of it... i have a weird feeling... who is going to play a prank on me.. =='' gosh... must be extra careful tomorrow... == holiday... time pass so fast... x.x 2 weeks gone... 1 more to go.. knowing that next thing i know is end of the year le... hmm... suddenly got a lot of things i want to do... but then.. i have no mood to do it... == either way i am so going to buy that book... need to boost my interest... :) haha... going to say this to myself again... (TOMORROW IS A BRAND NEW DAY!!) haha not really working anymore... but oh well.. haha.. better than nothing.. :D

Dreaming...

I guess i must really sit down and think my life though... all those that had happen.. all the happy and sad times... realizing that all that i had.. my friends... my family... all start out with a bad memory... those people i know who start out with good memory.. all ended up leaving me... i can't have happy memory all the way?.. so either way i am suppose to start with a bad memory with someone.. and that person will stay as my friend.. longer? i don't get it... don't really know how to write this... don't even know what i said has any meaning... friends... i suddenly can't see them... is like i always have been alone.. == hmm... maybe i think too much... ==

Cute... ==

Haha.. my cute cousin make me laugh.. always able to.. even though she has no intention.. i found that everyone one is similar.. too similar... maybe i think too much.. and by the way.. can you people stop using my method to 'shoot' me back.. == very painful sia.. always like that de... win liao lor.. == use your own method to 'shoot' me and not use my.. == is like me shooting myself.. == and it make me feel that i am seriously useless.. == i can't even win myself.. x.x

Aiyo..

Why like this... why like that.. this is so not helping.. == hate... yes.. i hate you!! i really hate you!!.. but then what is the point.. hating you is just wasting my energy.. wasting my time too... i got a weird feeling about sunday... it's a sunday.. what will happen... == yeah i know april fools.. but then most likely i at home mah.. aiya don't know luh.. see what happens lor.. i am waiting.. don't know if you know that.. but i am telling you i am waiting.. waiting for what people might ask.. i waiting.. waiting.. waiting for the sky to fall.. when is it going to fall.. ==''

Wonders~~

I believe.. no matter what i believe. that everyone is good.. no matter who say you are good or bad.. you are all good to me! :) first of all cause.. no one is born bad.. no one is born evil.. people who are evil or bad has their reason.... maybe they themselves don't know the reason.. but i know they are not born that way.. one is evil maybe because they see no point in being good... or maybe other reason... i am not making up reason for them.. these are the fact.. there is a saying.. those who are heartless once care too much... so those who are evil/bad are once too good.. is just a way to hide themselves i guess...

Maybe..

Hope things stop changing.. just stay the way it is.. i want to accept it.. the way it is.. if everything keep changing.. i can't decide.. i don't want.. keep it this way.. though it hurts.. but i don't mind just stop changing.. i don't want to have hope up high and you just smash it infront of me.. i am tired... heartless to be correct.. story.. my life is like a story with no ending.. not knowing what is happening tomorrow.. not knowing what is my future is like.. not knowing how many more nice/heartless people i will meet in the future.. instead of keep thinking how bad my life is.. i am doing a lot of this to distract me.. it is working a little by little.. healing cell by cell.. how long can i keep lying to myself.. once start lying i can't stop.. can i.. if i stop.. it will just hurt more.. though i know i am lying to myself.. but i still lying to myself.. i guess i am crazy.. but well.. what can i do..

Music...

A way for me to escape from this world.. i wish i could just escape forever.. to a calming land.. a place with no worries.. no stress.. all the freedom i want.. all the peace... a big blue ocean.. a pretty waterfall... a clear mountain.. but when the music ends.. i will have to wake up.. i can replay the music forever.. but what is the point when all this are just my imagination a dream that is never real.. a dream that never comes true.. a dream to be forgotten... losing everything is still okay so long i have friends and family.. but i lost fate and trust in friendship... all i am left is family.. but how long they can be with me.. to be simple i am just alone.. alone like i always wanted to be.. yet i am afraid to be.. what to do.. i don't seem to have a choice..

Once is enough..

I see a big world out there.. but though the world is big.. i don't think i fit in.. there is like no place for me.. believe.. i don't want to.. not anymore.. trust.. there isn't anyone for me to do that.. not even myself.. hope.. what for.. it just make me suffer more.. dreams.. is never real.. wonders.. they are true but unreachable.. nothing is left.. i guess.. a thing that is broken.. will remain as it is.. not going to pick it up and glue it back.. scars are forever there.. if i glue it back and it breaks again.. i think it will turn to dust.. and get blown by the wind.. then i will have nothing left to hold on to.. leaving it as it is.. knowing that it will never be the same.. no matter how hard i try.. what is broken.. will always be broken.. even if fix.. it will never be the same..  what is left is to be forgotten.. like me.. i am what is left.. to be forgotten..

Waking up~~

I tried.. i really did.. but result just keep proving to me that i was right not to believe.. never thought that it will hurt.. why are you do this to me.. why is it that you are the one doing all the talking.. you made me believe.. yet you are the one who hurt me with this.. believe.. hope... trust.. what are these... these are just knife that you can stab me countless times with.. i believed... yet that believe.. is just a unreachable dream... hope.. a light for me to continue.. but the light die out.. trust.. shattered infront of me.. i am always kidding myself.. always lying to myself saying that tomorrow will be better.. one day everything will be different.. there is a reason for all this.. everything is not as it seems.. who am i kidding.. who am i lying to... myself.. i tried.. i really did.. i tried all possible ways.. but everything just keep proving me wrong.. i just all that is left is to accept that this is life.. this is my life.. this just prove to me... i must wake up from my dream.. and face this cold world..

What am i thinking...

Am i lying to myself? or is it you who is lying to me.. do i look like a child.. who do you think i am.. or should i say what do you think i am.. a toy?.. even if you treat me as a toy.. toys have feeling too.. don't you know that is not funny.. and is not fun doing this... who am i kidding.. why.. why is it that after i change.. everything is telling me i made the wrong choice.. i took the wrong path.. why are you all doing this to me.. i told myself never lie to people i love.. never to hurt them cause they are special to me.. i ended up with doubts and disbelieve.. am i that hard to trust.. okay from now on.. i don't want to prove myself anymore.. who am i proving to.. why am i even trying to prove that you are wrong.. you want then choose to believe me..  what is the point of having friends who suspects you.. am i that hard to believe.. i finally realize no matter how hard i try.. friendship is just to fragile to take up the challenge.. now to think of it.. friends.. i trusted in it.. i really did.. but that word.. just woke me up.. the feeling is like a knife stabbing you infront of you.. and is not by a stranger.. is by someone you trust.. trust... i don't know how anymore.. friendship... i give up..

我在骗谁。。

我在骗我自己吧。。谁知我要什么。。谁知我不要什么。。连我自己都不知。。爱你或恨你。。有老天来决定。。我累了。。没办法了。。不想再想了。。你说的话是真是假。。我不知道也没有那个心去知道了。。我左右为难。。心好痛好痛。。我很想相信。。可是我不敢。。我怕受伤。。我怕失去。。我只能这样了。。希望我是错的。。这有老天决定。。或有时间决定。。我还是相信。。可要看你怎么做了。。因为我已经受伤了。。可我还愿意相信。。因为有可能你不是故意的。。或你根本不知道。。我已经一直在骗自己。。已经没办法了。。我哭了。。我累了。。希望明天会跟好。。祝福你。。希望你幸福。。我知道我不是你的幸福。。而我也不会给你幸福。。只能祝福你了。。希望你每天开心的笑。。我也会为你而笑。。要开心噢。。

Wake up!! NOW!! ><''

I have decided!! and please stop changing!!... Stop appearing at the wrong time!! why everytime when i decide something you appear!! why you have to torture me.. why am i affected by it anyway... what the heck is wrong with me... i need to decide this fast.. if i don't decide it now.. i think i can't walk out of this.. if i don't walk out of this.. and am forever stuck in this situation... now i must decide.. and stick to the decision... going to think about it tonight!! =3=

如果。。

如果，有一天我不在了。。你会擦决吗？。。你会知道吗？。。你会感觉得到吗？不会。。对吧？因为，我对你来说根本就没有存在过对吧？我把你想象得太好了。。到后来。。我伤害了自己。。很傻对吧？。。我真得太笨。。太笨了。。我为什么要那么伤害自己。。爱着你我痛苦。。不爱你我也痛苦。。爱一个人为什么那么辛苦。。为什么老天爷要这样对我。。我很累很累了。。。你可怜可怜我好吗。。我不需要很多。。只需要一个爱我而我也爱他就够了。。傻傻的我已经不想再爱了。。因为，爱一个人很痛苦。。我只会一直伤害我自己。。到后来。。角落是我的好朋友。。一个。。我可以哭的地方。。

Stop lying..

Stop lying to yourself will you.. == stop lying to me will you... don't come in my life again!! i am afraid... i am scare.. really could you just stay where you are and i will walk away.. why am i doing this to myself... why are you doing this to me... i am already shutting myself in.. what more do you want me to do.. i wish i could just suddenly scream until i lose my voice... i hate this feeling... i want to scream out all my emotions... but singapore has no such place for me to do that... if i did people will this i am crazy.. sometimes i wish.. i would just go crazy.. then i won't have to think much of this... and even if i think more.. i have no idea what am i doing.... i just want  to know the truth.. and change my life with it.. why is it so hard... i am tired of this already..

Haha.. My birthday! :)

Just another normal day.. spending my birthday at home.. hehe.. XD wanting it to be a lonely birthday.. haha.. wish came true i guess... no one at home... o.o peaceful... will it rain today? gosh.. when will i get well.. still sick.. == why when i want to fall sick i just can't... and i don't want to be sick i suddenly fall sick.. == and worst part.. why is it getting worst and worst.. aiyo... today my birthday.. can i not be sick... very tired leh... haha but what is the difference is just another day... the birthday thingy is just a name to make it special i guess.. o.o oh well... whatever.. i just want to be sick free!!... @@

1 more day..

Memories... i remember... i remember all that i forgotten... i remember all that i tried so hard to forget.. why did it come back to me... why... it took me very long to forget.. and it just took... less than 1 min to remember everything back again... now how am i to forget it again.... or am i to live with it... i am to live with it aren't i? really... why is it so hard... 11 years... seems to pass very fast... i guess.. just another day won't be any harm... been living with it for so long... what does one day matter anyway... loving someone... how to not love someone.. waiting... why does waiting hurt... i am just waiting for the time to pass... for the wounds to heal... waiting... to forget everything... waiting... waiting... heart-pain~~ does it even matter... no one cares... why do it bother... i am just wasting my time.. my effort... my energy.... tired...

2 more days...

Sick... gosh... hope i don't fall sick... though i always wish to... but not this time... not this year... not ever... these few days i have been really really tired... mentally tired... physically tired... i am not trying to don't think anymore... the more i try not to think... the more i think... and worst i remember more... i guess... i just need to let the memories flow... but is it really painful... don't know what to do... don't know how to feel... what is my emotions right now... i have mixed feeling... i feel sad, happy, angry.... and lots more mixed together... what is this feeling.. what is it... anyone to tell me? or am i to find this out on my own too... i really tired... i need a long long long rest...

3 more days...

3 more days till my birthday.. wonder what will happen on that day... hmm... receive lots of presents.. well counted lots cause only a few remember.. thank two of my best friend :) one gave me a puzzle and the other a ring. SO NICE!! :) today receive another present from my secondary school friend.. XD A BIG TEDDY!!.. it so big.. @@ haha.. soft soft i LOVE it.. but why do i still feel lonely.. even after so many friends cared... is like they are just people passing pass my life... not here to stay for long.. today.. my father's birthday.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!!.. i miss you.. i miss the time when we eat together... i miss the time we go out together.. i miss... i just miss it... i feel sick... hope i don't fall sick though i know.. i am sick.. (* ** ******* *** ***.. ** *** **** ****... * **** ***... * ****** ** ********* **** ******** **** ***..... *** * ***** * **** ** *** ****... dreams never do come true... i wish for too much...)

只是。。

缘分，让我遇上你。。
感觉，让我喜欢你。。
时间，让我爱上你。。
思念，让我记住你。。
心痛，让我想起你。。
心中，一切都是你。。
只是，身边缺少你。。

What is wrong with me.. ==''

Why is there so many whys in this world... and why do i have so many whys for this world.. and why does everyone have so many whys for me... how am i to answer to all the whys... and who is going to answer to my whys.. WHY!!.. gosh there i go again with my whys.. this is so tiring.. i don't really mind tiring.. but the worst part of this is that i don't know where to get the answers from.. who to get it from.. or why do i even want it.. who's why am i suppose to answer.. and why do i have the answer to that person's whys... who has my answer to my whys... i just discover that we are all on a journey to find the person who has the answers to your whys and you have the answer to another person's whys.. so complicated.. don't know if all understand what i have just wrote.. hehe.. :)

Oops..

Haha haven't been posting a lot recently.. nothing much to write.. all that i write are mostly about how i feel.. and i guess i have never see it from other people's view.. don't really know what you all think.. maybe there is someone out there that just think opposite of what i think.. i think that is so COOL! hope to meet this person one day.. then we will be able to know how different is each and everyone's thinking.. and maybe i will be able to solve why not all human can get together/ work together.. and hope to bring a peaceful and harmony answer.. anyone to share their views with me? i may disagree with what you say but do share i would love to know. :) but i accepting all the answer or view point i given having now. :) let's work together :D don't be shy SHARE!! :D

YEAH!!!

CSV EXAM OVER!!! I CAN FINALLY REST MY BRAIN!!.. sorry brain.. i know you try your best but.. i don't get why you can't remember much... only a few... at first you remember then when i rest a while you just forget everything... that never mind i study again... but time to time you keep forgets.. it is very tiring for me... today i went in exam with a BLANK mind... but thank god.. after reading the question some answer came to me.. if not i am so going to cry... i can't believe when i study i actually don't remember anything... and that is like equals to i not studying at all.. hope next time i study the same thing won't happen to me again... I AM TIRED OF THAT!! :(

Sorry..

Just know that there is a lot i don't remember.. maybe it was too painful to remember.. but either way.. i seems to know the place there.. seems... got a sudden feeling that i miss you... had a blank mind today... can't really think of anything... brain doesn't really function... it is kind of scary... suddenly wondering why i have so much imagination... those imagination are TOO GOOD to be true!!.. so don't think so much.. it won't happen... you and your happily every after... IT WON'T HAPPEN!! i am telling you... you can imagine but don't treat it as really... since when did you ever get what you want... like really when... stop hurting yourself now!!... wake up!!.. *SMACK!!!* WAKE UP WILL YOU!! *SLAPS*... why won't you wake up.. i am tired... too tired.. oh whatever... don't go crying again if it doesn't come true.. == I GIVE UP!!... i don't know who or what am i anymore!!!

Hmm~~

Wonder why.. i can't control my tears nowadays they just fall.. and i only realize i was crying until the tears drop on my hand.. seeing the rain now.. don't know how to feel.. wanting to cry.. but i can't cry.. don't want to cry.. don't even feel like crying.. the tear drop... why.. too sad inside? my heart.. it feel painful and itchy and the same time.. staring at the rain and wonder what i said last time about everyone's emotion.. just now seeing a funeral and all that i thought i forgot just came back to me.. so clearly.. too clear.. till.. i am sorry for what i did.. i miss you.. i miss you a lot.. really.. today in chinese calendar is yours and mine birthday.. i really really miss you a lot.. i want.. i want to see you again.. to hug you like before.. don't really remember about that.. but through picture you taken of me.. i can only imagine.. but i don't remember much.. only some.. but those some.. are the ones i regret doing.. or regret not doing.. i'm sorry.. really really sorry.. forgive me.. :(

Haiz~~

心痒痒的。。不知发生了什么。。好辛苦。。为什么心痒痒的。。haiz... maybe i watch too much shows.. >~<'' at the same time i don't think is because of the shows.. that pain... it came back afterall... after i thought i forgot about it... so tiring.. hope i figure it out soon.. i am getting really really really tired of this.. i don't see the point.. and yet i am hanging on to it.. to what.. i asked.. but i don't seem to see it.. i can only feel it... and that feeling is fading fast.. it is going to be pointless soon... and what will i do... or it should be... what can i do.. :(

Not meant to be..

Though about it.. over and over again.. done i am sticking to this decision.. hope i stop changing my mind.. this is so going to kill me if i change my mind again.. AH!!.. exam coming and i am like so lazy to study... :\ no mood study and not i don't want to study... how... gosh... wishing that there are no more problems.. =='' (* **** *** *** **** ** *** *****. ** **** *******... *****? *** ** * ***** ***** ** ******.. **** ** ** *******!!) why.. haiz.. i am really really tired of this already == daddy!! SAVE ME!! :(

Mix...

Why didn't you take me with you daddy.. ~~ instead you show me something else.. what are you trying to say.. you know.. i don't know how to feel anymore.. i really don't know to feel sad, happy or angry... i want to see more.. to know more.. show me.. i want to know about the answer to ALL my question... but you choose either to show me or to take me with you.. because i am tired... really tired.. wondering if i was every living here.. don't really remember much from my life... >~<'' how was it like to smile like i did last time.. i forget how it feels like.. when every one is small.. they are happy they laugh, they are sad they cry... now they are happy but crying inside... when they are sad they act happy outside... :( i want to be a small child.. being a child you don't have any problems.. is just you and your play world... :(

Pain?

Why do i still feel the pain... where is this pain coming from.. is like flooding in... i suddenly miss you daddy... i always have... but today seem to miss you a lot more.. your birthday is coming soon.. i am sorry i never once gave you a birthday present.. i never had this chance... wasn't given any... i am really sorry for being childish last time.. i was too small to think... now i feel stupid... sorry for making you angry... i want to hug you again.. i forget how it feels like.. 11years.. it just pass.. i still remember your cold hands.. wish i had made it warm.. life had never been the same.. and i am kind of tired of this life.. i actually find no point of me being here... i am not doing any help to this world at all.. all i know.. is to say.. but never once do it.. can you bring me along with you? i want to go with you.. i am tired of smiling... i want to cry... i want to cry all day long but knowing that crying doesn't help in anything.. if you can't bring me along.. can you at least show me how to see this world? i really don't know.. i tried... i really tried.. i don't see the good things anymore.. i don't see the bad either... i can only see that i am too stupid.. dumb.. and of no help. :( take me or show me.. :)

Haha damn funny.. ~~ ;)

Funny that my life is so weird.. ~~ i finally see the sky... the sky i was looking for all these time.. :) i was always too busy thinking... doing my things... never once look up and see this beautiful world... a world i have been searching for... a nice pretty world.. where everything seem to be prefect.. now i see it.. the way a flower blooms.. the way that wind blows... the way the river flows... i finally put down everything and look up.. i see it now.. a world i have been searching for.. it was with me all this time.. finally have a peaceful life... i am living a simple life... i am the one who made it complicated... and i blame everyone for it... sorry about that... going to give trust another chances.. and hope this will be the last... cause i hope it last forever. :)

Hugs~~

I want a hug... i need a hug.. from who you may i ask.. that i can't answer you.. but now.. the hug i need can only come from my bear~~ MY CUTE CUDDLY TEDDY BEAR!! i miss you!!~~ i really do!!~~ do you miss me? :\ TEDDY!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!! ;) haha you don't right? okay i am telling you now.. :) TEDDY I LOVE YOU!!! wishing my bedroom was flooded with cute cuddly teddies.. :) teddy made me feel save... and always have.. if only it was alive.. but being able to let me hug went need.. and smile while listening to what i say is enough.. i wish you are always mine.. and won't get throw away.. cause i never will throw you away.. the last time my mum threw my teddy away... i cried!!.. i miss that teddy!!... until now i still feel a little sad... if i wasn't in school i will never let her throw it!!... MY FAVORITE TEDDIES!!! don't you ever leave me! ;) I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!! :) i won't leave you too so don't worry!! :) LOVE YOU ALL LOTS!! (>^^)> HUGS!!

How ~~

HOW!! TELL ME!! HOW!!!... how am i to think!!.. what am i to do... i don't get you... i don't get any of you... how many freaking side does a human have!!.. i wish all human have one side... or at least the real side of them.. i can't see... really... god what do you want from me... i have nothing.. does making my life like this make you happier? if it does.. i have nothing to say.. please... really... i just need a simple.. happy... lonely life... please... i don't want ask for more... because.. you gave me a life... but i am living a life that is not lonely.. is okay not to be lonely... but i am not happy... how i wish... i didn't see it... if only i didn't see it.. all i have to do is to continue lying to myself... why!! (* **** *** ** ******... * **** *** ** *********.. * ** ***.. * ****.. *** *** ***'* **** ** **** ** ****** **** ****!! *** ***** * ****.. *** *** ***!! *** **** * **** *** :( *** ***... ** *** ****** **** **** ** ** ******** **** ***'* **** ** **** *** ** **** *** ** *** ***** *****~~)

Pissed off ==''

I already no mood already.. == what is wrong with you!!.. yesterday i didn't do a thing you keep nagging i keep quiet... for the pass few days you keep nagging i keep quiet... i keep quiet doesn't mean you can continue like that scolding me.. i did nothing wrong okay.. == and you don't even know what is happening you scold me.. == you only know how to say i keep use computer and phone.. but did you know that at least both of this thing can make me feel happier... 'they' can make me happier more than you can.. you say i don't know anything.. only know how to use computer use phone.. then do you know i freaking hate my life.. and that i wish you could shut up and listen to me.. wishing you would understand me.. but you don't and since you don't could you leave me alone.. you say i go school for what.. don't need study.. but when i was studying where you there to even see or notice? you only see the bad side of me.. never tried to see the good side of me.. okay fine you want me to be heartless i will!!.. don't blame me for doing this.. i didn't want to.. you force me.. you think i don't know about what is happening.. i know.. i know all.. but i just act as if i don't because it will hurt you.. and yet by trying to protect you, you hurt me.. i didn't say cause i didn't want you to worry.. i know there is problem with money... i know.. that is why i skip most of my breakfast lunch and dinner.. and yet you scold me.. saying i lazy buy.. i just agree with you i lazy to buy.. you never think in my way.. if you don't please.. don't bother.. when you finally realize this.. you already lost a always trying to protect you daughter.. i give up on trying le.. you will never understand.. and i and wasting my time and effort.. if you hate me so much why did you give birth to me in the first place.. i wish i wasn't born..

Gave up..

This is for all my friends.. i am fine you don't have to worry. :) this is not the first time i cried by myself... :) but this is the first time i wish to be alone.. if you ask me what happen.. nothing much.. i don't wish to remember either.. knowing that i so used to people around helping me.. what if one day you all are gone... who am i to look for help.. so i really need to be alone.. and all i need now is time to pass.. please don't why me.. just treat it as i am dead or that i travel somewhere far.. might not ever return.. or can take it as though i change to someone you don't have to understand... knowing that a lot of you try very hard to understand what is wrong with me.. or why am i like this.. or everything about me.. now that my soul is not with me.. you don't need to have a hard time to figure out.. i smile i will smile.. i cry i will cry.. is that simple.. don't ever want to be a complicated me again.. i want a simple and lonely happy life. hope you all will understand. :)

Windy~~

A day where wind blows all emotion from all around the world... i guess the rain is not form by water.. but is form by sadness all around the world... don't know if anyone of you think so... but you see don't you think it is always more windy when it rains? clouds collect everyone's emotion and and pour it down in rain... real fact are tears of people who are cry inside.. and don't know why everytime it rains... i seem to feel like crying to... and i actually don't feel lonely.. i guess i know why i always like the rain... it makes me feel that everyone is crying with me too.. and that i am not the only one in the world that is sad... whether this is a lie i made for myself or not is not important... but i really like the feel of rain pouring down on me... cold yet so warm... is just me mentally thinking that i am not alone.. the fact you see i am alone... and i like being alone.. :') it seems so.. pretty..

Heartless.. ;)

My soul is gone now.. so i am no difference from being heartless... a fake smile changes everything... that smile.. someone once told me... smile.. no matter good or bad just smile.. and a smile can brighten your day.. no matter how dark it is.. but he is wrong... i smile can only brighten the days of people around you... when you smile they smile with you... and smile is a mask that everyone wears with them... in order to hide their real self... a smile is needed.. yet it actually works... it felt like lying to everyone... but who isn't.. if you think it in a way everyone 'wears' a smile... and to think that they lie to everyone that they are smiling... but the true fact is that everyone is lying to themselves that their friends are smiling cause they smile.. how can everyone be smiling when the mask is on and crying inside of them... this is the world i see now..

Trust..

Who can you trust in this world.. friends? family?.. i don't know.. and don't think so... who can i trust.. after that day.. i finally realize all along i have been lying to myself... i always trusted in friends, family and everyone... but that trust was lost when i was small.. i didn't see the point... trust to me is just a word that sounds nice... till i was in secondary school... i started pick up trust.. and always though i never had to put it down... but i guess i was wrong.. i shouldn't have pick it up in the first place... and then i could avoid being hurt... now trust to me is just a shattered promised.. a glass that fall on a floor broken... no matter how you fix it... it won't be the same.. scars all over.. i can't even trust myself now.. i didn't know i could actually be so dumb... funny isn't it.. funny~~ but why does it hurt..

Gone~~

Wake up in the morning... felt dead... like there is no soul.. then i realize my soul was gone... i said goodbye to it yesterday.. feel kind of funny.. i am lost... just left a body that moves... all the feeling of happiness i had.. was gone like never there... all the love and hate... the good the bad look same to me.. what is the difference? all are human.. all have heart.. all breathing.. never actually felt such empty before... all that is left with me are the pain that no one.. not even myself understand... i can't believe that i was so stupid... so dumb.. i actually believe that fairy tales can happen to real life.. now i realize that is just a dream to cover the reality... now i am finally in the coldness of reality..

Goodbye!! :')

Final goodbye to my old self.. from tomorrow onward.. is a brand new day.. a brand new life.. a brand new me.. 永别了，请不要在做回以前的我了。。以前的我。。太天真了。。终于，看清楚现实生活没有我想象的那么美。。如果，我再不和以前的我说永别。。将来，我会很痛苦的。。所以，请原谅我。

Tears..

Tears it used to be warm.. it used to be a way for me to show how i really feel.. now my tears are cold.. i kind of like it.. it just prove to me how i wish i could be lonely... with no one to care about me.. with no one to worry about me.. i wish everyone would just ignore me.. this time being alone might finally cure me.. i just realize the previous scar wasn't heal.. and yet i add more to it.. never felt this painful before.. no one will ever get why i suddenly become like this.. i knew i would go to darkness for help sooner or later.. being heartless is actually not a bad thing.. i can hide myself.. and i really need a place to hide myself.. if you know me (real life) please help me by not doing anything.. is myself that i am fighting right now.. please don't care if i fall.. being friends with everyone of you i feel bless... but too bless.. i don't deserve and need this bless.. please.. just let me be. :')

lying~~

Never thought i would cry again.. i mean never thought i would cry while laughing again.. it's been so long.. feel dumb suddenly... how stupid can i be.. finally woken up from my wonderland.. reality is not as pretty as i imagine.. all that, had just been a long sweet dream... no matter how sweet your dream is you will soon have to wake up.. now i finally wake up.. i never want to dream again.. thank god.. it wasn't deep... if not it will hurt more.. dream.. how long do i think this wonderland will last... i see the truth.. i see no point in anything anymore.. i finally understand my dream.. that dream.. is a sign for me to watch out not telling me how i feel.. :') i want a peaceful and lonely life.. not going to ever ask for more.. i never thought i want to be lonely so badly.. take me away please... i am really really tired.. and yet i have a long way to go.. :'(

Funny.. :')

Really why did i even bother.. haha.. :') 我觉得我好可笑。。我终于明白了。。我以为我已经明白了。。原来我是在骗自己。。好痛。。好痛。。我。。我。。我终于，哭了。。幸福。。永远不属于我的。。是我太天真了。。不觉得我很可笑吗。。好痛苦的眼泪。。我再也不要为任何人而流泪了。。天真的我终于了解了。。老天，请你饶了我。。给我一个平静，孤单的生活就够了。。请不要再让我爱上任何人了。。我不再求你了。。这样就好。。我。。我。。不再爱了。。因为我放弃了。。谢谢，你让我看清楚我有多傻。。:')

The pain ~~

I feel the pain.. time is short i know.. i guess there is no point thinking that the time is pass fast or slow... so long i do something with the time.. so long i decide my next step.. i made use of my time.. that should be enough.. soon.. i will find the darkness i am looking for.. i gave up on the light.. hoping i can find light in darkness... darkness is not as scary as everyone see it.. it actually is very lonely.. because everyone is afraid to go close to it.. thinking that something bad will happen cause you don't know it.. and you don't even bother to know it.. i took my step.. i want to know the darkness.. don't bother stopping me.. this is the choice i made.. whatever happens.. forgive me.. this is who i am.. if you don't like it.. you can go.. don't use the word because you are my friend or because you care.. there is no point in this.. cause we came to this world alone... and leave this world alone.. :')

Answer..

I found my answer.. my dream gave me the answer.. now i get it.. but then.. i also get something else today.. it seems i am lying to myself.. i made my choice.. if something happen today i will change my choice.. but if nothing happen it just prove what is the result.. and i am accepting all my answer.. i see all my path now.. i am waiting for the light to come.. and if it doesn't appear.. i am going to make my choice.. and see where it leads.. if it's a dead end.. either i turn around and take another path.. or i climb over it to continue.. i finally made up my mind.. :')

I think...

Let god decide ba.. i really don't know le.. i am afraid to say that i know.. i am afraid of the answer.. i am afraid of myself... what to do.. >< the answer to my question is right there.. but i don't dare go close to it... all that is left is your answer to my question.. but the question.. the question.. is so scary.. @@ i don't see the hope i always cling on anymore.. *SMACK* (wake up from this already!!) i guess.. this is a my doing.. i am the one to my myself suffer like that.. @@ why do i bother~~ the answer is so clear.. and yet.. yet.. the answer is so far.. :(

缘分

缘分，让我遇上你；感觉，让我喜欢你；时间，让我爱上你；思念，让我记住你。心痛，让我想起你。心中，一切都是你。只是，身边缺少你。因为你，我曾经心痛。因为你，我曾经迷惑。因为你，我曾经快乐。因为你，我一生无悔。爱你的心，永远不变。现时的你，一样很美丽。想你的我，永远是等待...

Running out of time!! :(

Everything is forcing me to a dead end.. that i don't really care... but why is the time also pushing me... why since the start of this year i keep think time pass very fast!!.. WHY!!... i don;t have enough time luh... i can't think!! Tell or don't tell... go or don't go.. say or don't say.. give or don't give... @@ my brain is not working... :( i want to just leave it to god to decide... but by doing that i am hiding the fact of it as well as decided it.. and i might regret it.. but i really don't know... time just fly and fly... == just now see is 8 pm then become 10 pm suddenly... now 11 pm le... time really fly... why won't it pass slower.. == after writing this.. i just got my answer... why would i bother about the time passing so fast if i don't ............ i guess i knew the answer the whole time just didn't want to accept it.. why can't i accept it then... what is wrong with me!!.. haiz... :(

Random~~

Saw something that just explain why... (Those who are heartless, once cared too much... ) will i soon become like this too? is like the best option to hide myself... must learn to let everything go... i care too much about everything... and became more and more afraid.. if i become heartless i can finally be free of these things.. free.. what does it feel like to be really free... not meaning freedom... meaning you have nothing to worry about... nothing to think about... nothing to be stress about... nothing to care about... just free... free from all worries... free from being scare everytime... free... i want to be free... and i am like one more step closer to being heartless... :) i am not going to care too much.. i don't see the point.. i never did...

My life.. *~*

Why so many things for me to decide today!!.. i am sooooo stress... =3= i can't decide!! i really can't!! anyone help me here!! T^T why soo hard... my head pain... i want cry le lah... today 29 feb.. though is four year once it seems like a normal day.. o.o but the fact of me having more thinks to decide today is just killing me!! oh i saw a post today.. 29 feb is confession day.. a day when most confession is successful... haven't heard of a unsuccessful one yet!.. so has anyone of you tried? a few more hours left before 29 is over. JIA YOU!! (for those who are trying) :)

Knowing ~~

Sometimes is best not to know.. other times is best to pretend you don't know.. but now i really want to know if i like you a not.. thinking about liking him for 3 plus year.. is like nothing suddenly... did i even like him before.. maybe at first i did.. and then in the end it becomes a habit.. (let me keep the rest of the thought) now as for the liking him or not.. (not the same person) i want to know.. but i just have this feeling this is not the time for me to know.. i guess there is a lot of this not meant for me to know.. as for the whether he like me a not i don't know either.. i want to know but.. timing not right.. plus i am kind of afraid to know.. my friends say he like me.. but who knows.. they are not him after all... okay topic ended.. not thinking of it anymore.. *smack* think of you coming exam! @@

Truth..

Thinking about this word.. and i don't know why but i think that truth is just a lie that everyone make.. what is the truth.. is a word that make everyone or everything seems clearer.. in a way is just a lie to make you feel better.. is okay if you all don't understand what i am saying.. because i also have no idea what am i typing.. a lie.. a lie is a place for everyone to hide... even though i know lying is a bad thing.. but sometimes lying is the best choice you ever make.. even though it maybe wrong.. but if telling to truth just hurts everyone.. a lie seem to be the best choice.. though it will hurt them more if they know you are lying.. but who don't lie.. everyone lie... to protect self and people they care about.. you may disagree.. but this is just my thinking..

Stop.. :(

Stop asking me.. please... i don't want to tell you cause i don't want to rely on you everytime i am sad or happy... i am a person who get used to things easily.. if you keep make me rely on you and when you are gone suddenly.. what am i to do.. so please.. stop asking.. just accept my lie.. trying to control myself.. but you are not helping.. stop making it any worst.. today i almost got the answer to my question.. but then the answer seems so distance i can't reach for it... from now on i am keeping all my problems to myself.. what is the point of share every of your problems.. it only make the people you share with worried.. the best lie i every make was to smile.. and it works.. :) i don't mind people sharing problems with me.. i will try to take the pain from most people and hide it away.. like it was never there.. i want everyone around me to be happy. :) please do not care what happen to me.. :) because everyone is a part of me.. :) let me take all your sadness away. :)

Home..

Is a place to sleep.. or is it more then that? Last time no matter what happens i always think that my home is the safest place on earth.. now is just a place for me to rest. a place for me to take a break from this world.. other then that i cannot find anymore reason for me to come home... miss having a whole family eating together.. that warmth.. i miss it.. now the coldness of home just make feel like going away.. but to think of it where would i go.. i lived here for as long as i can count.. so used to things here.. even if i am just walking not thinking.. i will still end up at the door of my house.. even my legs are used to walking here.. if i ever move house i wonder if everything will be the same ever again...

If..

第一最好不相见，如此便可不相忘 
第二最好不相知，如此便可不相思 
第三最好不相伴，如此便可不相欠 
第四最好不相惜，如此便可不相忆 
第五最好不相爱，如此便可不想弃 
第六最好不相对，如此便可不相会 
第七最好不相谈，如此便可不相负 
第八最好不相许，如此便可不相续 
第九最好不相依，如此便可不相偎 
第十最好不相遇，如此便可不相聚 
但首先相见便相知，相见何如不见时 
安得与君相决绝，免教生死作相思

Blind...

What is it like to be blind.. is it better? Being blind you can don't see how bad humans are.. you can't see how they look at you.. you can't see how they judge you.. but you will lose the colours of the world... but you might be more peaceful cause you won't have to think how you look like or how people look at you.. and you can feel the earth.. that not many eyes can see.. but you won't be able to see people who you care about.. and those who care for you.. if only humans are not so bad.. judging people by looks.. they judge a person by almost everything.. only the pretty/handsome onces are treated better... but everyone is pretty.. but not everyone see it... i don't know... cause what is pretty/handsome? we are all humans.. must we judge each other?.. and why am i saying this.. when i myself do that.. @@ i guess it is call human nature.. can't be help..

Choice..

I don't know what am i walking into... it seems like i only have this path.. all my other path are like block.. if i wait for the rest to open.. i might not have this path that is open.. or worst no more path.. but i am afraid i will regret walking this path.. if only this question was asked a few years back.. i might have the answer.. now i am hesitating... i am afraid... but isn't this what i wanted.. what is it that i want... == everytime i want something.. when i can almost have it i don't want it.. is it cause i am used to living my life of not having.. and yet when the thing come.. is all i wanted.. but i don't want it anymore... why... ~~

Hope ~~

Waiting.. and waiting.. kind of don't know if it is the right choice... wondering what is right what is wrong... stay or to go... stop or to continue... tired.. ~~ why does my head hurt that much.. maybe i am thinking too much.. but i can't don't think.. life is just so hard.. hoping it will be easier.. but it is still hard... and yet i am kind of afraid of the answer... not the answer to my life but the answer to my world... is like i been wanting this for so long.. but now.. i might be having.. but i am afraid of taking.. i don't know how to make myself happy anymore... is like so hard... >< can't i not change my life... i kind of like it the way it is... :\

Wavering... ~~

Like, don't like... hate, don't hate.... love, don't love... want, don't want... like the wave.. not even.. different speed... different height... strong... weak... i can't decide... like a dream i can't wake up from... what a long dream i am having.. afraid to wake.. scare that once wake up i will lose all the sweet things in the dream.. knowing that reality is not that nice to look at.... ~~ in my dreamland i guess... what to expect... life is just like this... haiz... >~<'''

Perfect..~~

I know.. i know i life doesn't seems prefect at all... but it actually is... we need to see it in a different way.. but then to tell the truth.. i am the one out of ........ people thinking that life is not as perfect as it seems.. i always thought if i see it in a different way life will be perfect... but no matter how i see it i don't think it is perfect.. i think life should not be perfect... if our life is perfect.. then what is the point of living.. you have everything... you don't need to earn for it you just have it... so the reason of have a imperfect life is to make your life perfect.. if you get what i am say.. well that is what i think.. don't know about everyone.. ~~ :)

Afraid ~~

I am getting more and more afraid.. what am i afraid of.. why is the future like so scary to go on.. there is a lot i don't know.. anyone has the answers to my question? i need the answers.. just give me the answers to my problems in life.. == i don't need the answers to the future.. i just need the answers to the present and the past.. will someone please give me!!.. god please... i really want to know the answers.. even if it is a bad thing i also want to know.... i really need to know... the mystery to my life is so hard to understand.. i afraid to go on.. but staying is of no help to me at all.... what is waiting for me infront... i can't see i can't feel it.. help... i need it.. @@

Fate..

My fate.. hmm.. should try that too.. what am i hoping for that is.. what do i want seriously.. what is it.. i don't even know myself.. what am i to do.. why i suddenly so stress... == cannot sleep in peace sia.. don't know i afraid of what.. staring at the ceiling last night... think until brain crack liao luh... == don't even know what is passing pass my mind... it just comes and go... just now my mum on some sad song.. The Whole Pile Of Memory Just Flood In... == almost die.. ~~ feel like crying but cannot cry.. sad sia.. STRESS!!! how am i to survive till the end this year!! WHAT AM I STRESS ABOUT!!! AH!!! T^T

我的爱，请全部带走。

从那遥远海边慢慢消失的你,本来模糊的脸竟然渐渐清晰,想要说些什麽又不知从何说起,只有把它放在心底。茫然走在海边看那潮来潮去，徒劳无功想把每朵浪花记清，想要说声爱你却被吹散在风里，猛然回头你在那里。如果大海能够唤回曾经的爱，就让我用一生等待，如果深情往事你已不再留恋，就让它随风飘远，如果大海能够带走我的哀愁，就像带走每条河流，所有受过的伤
所有流过的泪，我的爱，请全部带走。:)

Step by Step..

I am walking towards the future step by step.. not planning anything.. nothing is in my head.. i don't know what to expect.. if i don't plan for the future it will be hard for me... but then if i plan for it... what if it doesn't go the way i plan.. how am i to plan... i so stress.. money problems keep rising.. projects flooding in.. exams coming soon.. why.. how.. what am i to do.. who am i to tell.. what can i do.. AH!! soon.. soon i will go crazy.. i can just feel myself falling.. i can't hang in there any longer... this is the most i can do.. i hope i can hang in there.. at least after my exam.. right after my exam i don't care what happen.. cause at least i know i did try.. and that my mum won't be so sad.. cause i did.. i did finish my exam and not fail in everything.. but.. when will she be proud of me.. i just hoping too much.. but that is all i can give her.. i have nothing more le.. plus.. is my brother she care more about.. not me.. ~~

Future...

What is in the future that i can't see.. what will happen in the future that i will regret.. what will happen in the future that i will treasure.. what will happen in the future that make me so afraid... having dreams.. bad dreams.. and yet they are happening to me in real life.. if only i remember then it won't happen.. is like i have live this life before.. maybe i have live this life over and over again.. everything that happen is just happening all over again.. maybe my dreams are asking me to prevent it.. but why can't i remember what happen!!.. WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN!! is it cause i am to stress that is why i have bad dreams? but if that is the case why did my dreams keep happening in real life!! WHY!?!? omg i am sooooooo STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!

Waiting..

Waiting.. what am i waiting for.. why am i even waiting.. is there a reason i am waiting..? Time pass.. slow.. and fast.. don't know i want it to go faster or slower... waiting is always seem to be part of my life.. but this time i kind of afraid of waiting.. why is that.. what is it i am waiting for.. or who is it.. i am getting more and more afraid.. soon... i know... something is going to happen soon.. don't know if it is a good or bad thing.. but i have been having bad dreams.. scary dream.. have a bad feeling about that.. getting more and more afraid.. is there someone out there who can get me out of this.. i... i am... i am really afraid.. scare.. ~~

Me...

Day after day.. i am more and more afraid of the dark.. that feeling is back.. why.. why is it back.. the feeling of losing something... the feeling of losing everything.. the emptiness is hunting me again.. need a hug.. but who can give me that.. a hug.. ~~ i just found out that there is a wall between me and my friends.. always thought there is nothing there.. but there is.. i just ignore it.. after hitting on the wall so many times.. i finally know i can't break it.. i can only treat it like a glass.. but the fact that it there won't change anything... after finally accepting the wall.. i decided to shut myself in.. even i don't know myself anymore.. if i can't even understand myself who can.. can only feel my heart crying.. bleeding.. but outside.. i am smiling.. i can't cry.. tears are not there to fall.. soon.. soon i will be so tired of this.. ~~ how long can i do this.. ~~

I don't know anymore...

Smile.. is my way to show that i am not sad.. or at least is just to let people know that i am not sad.. that fact is i don't want any of you to worry.. seeing you all worry is sad for me.. i rather pretend to be happy at least you all don't need to worry.. is a lie i made.. and a lie that will always continue.. i don't want to lie.. but i don't know what to do already... smile :')

I know.. but yet you can't see..

You always say that money is not enough.. you think i can't see.. you scold me i keep quiet.. cause why.. cause you are bigger then me.. you say that i keep spend your money.. and yet you buy lego for that stupid brother of mine.. who doesn't know how to think.. you promise him so what.. have you ever seen him keeping his promise.. at least i did.. but you don't bother to notice.. you always see that bad side of me.. but have you ever try know me.. saying that i grow and become rebellious... but do you know that i been keep quiet all this year.. i already am controlling myself.. if i were to be rebellious it won't be that way.. i won't even listen to you.. stop forcing me.. i already have no way.. i can't hold in for long you know.. either i go crazy if not i will be really rebellious.. == till now i know you care.. but yet you didn't know you cause this...

Evil...

I am evil.. that i agree.. i am a bad person... that i also agree... but do tell me.. who isn't evil... who isn't bad.. everyone is.. i don't want to be a shiny angel that lies to everyone that i am kind.. well i am not.. i am a evil devil.. that does bad things.. i am the evil one.. it always have been... it is always my fault... no one else is at fault.. only me.. and why.. because it me.. blame everything on me.. ya my fault.. all my fault.. to you when am i ever right.. you are always right.. use to think you might understand.. but it seem you care about my brother more then care about me.. you help him in everything.. then why bother... to you i am nothing..

Wondering...

Fire.. you are here to help us.. but why at the same time you want to harm us.. Water.. you save us.. but why at the same time you want to kill us.. Earth.. you feed us.. why are you stopping.... Wind... you keep us cool... but why do you want to blow us away... Nature.. you are beautiful, pretty and lovely.. at the same time you are scary... why.. if we will get harm no matter what.. why are you all helping us in the first place.. i know is human's fault... but then humans are selfish i can't help it... @@ i can only agree that i am selfish.. don't about the rest.. ~~

Sad...

These few days my mind is blank.. don't really know what to write.. life suddenly to me has no meaning.. why am i born in the first place... some say we are born to finish our task.. that make us sound like god is just playing with us.. some say we are born to find out why.. and repay for whatever we have done to deserve this.. but what i don't get it is that.. why do this to us.. life is hard enough just by  thinking about money.. == while other people might wonder if that will live pass tomorrow.. some just waste their life.. while people like me wonder why are we even here.. how did it all started.. ~~ answers why do you always run away when i almost grab you..

Recently...

Just don't know what is right what is wrong anymore.. what is with all those dreams... i don't get it.. >~<'' why can't i remember what happen.. knowing that is a bad dream.. why can't i remember it.. why did i forget!!.. how can i forget.. my dreams keep happening in real life.. i use to think it is kind of nice... to be able to dream of something before it happens.. now.. i am kind of getting more and more afraid of it.. i don't want anything bad to happen to my life... is already messy enough..

What am i doing...

Kind of mess up.. why today when i wake................................. why? don't know how to type down.. hmm.. though i became happier... i also become more sad at the same time.. i don't get myself anymore... gosh just starting for the year i already so stress.. how am i going to survive the rest of this year.. >~<'' DIE!! don't know what i doing anymore... daddy.. if you could hear me.. could you help me... please.. at least guide me..i am so lost.. ~~~

Omg..

If i continue on like this... it will be a habit soon... omg... got to stop... but is like so hard... haiz.. aiyo today eat too much... FULL ~~ >~<'' tmr later gain 10kg... omgosh dies... TT..... (would you stop being so kind to me.. i can't hold it in any longer... to you maybe normal.. maybe you treat everyone the same... but to me is a big differences... if you know my past you will understand.. i don't want to treat you as a replacement.. i can't bare to do it.. but if you continue being this kind to me.. i will soon fall in and never want to come out.. is hard for me you know.. hope you will understand.. already trying to control myself... but your kindness is making me lose control of myself.. please stop.. i should also stop....) :(

....

Aiyo suddenly so nervous.... == Gosh why everything like so rush... everything is like happening next week... == ah... STRESS!!!! @@ what am i to do... what to bring for camp... what will happen during camp... what will happen next week... omgosh... AH!!! TT

Lost ~~

Suddenly feel lost.... gosh.. is there no way out... suddenly remember still got EFC... my god... hmm... life is so... so many decision to make.. i can't decide.. since i am a type of person who don't like to decide... die... end up also must make a choice.... == GOD BLESS ME!!! sian la... don't know what i want anymore.. what am i really thinking... or what do i really want...aiyo... x.x

STRESS!!

OMG!! what is with the camp coming up... and the stupid dress up thingy... wth... mind full liao la... don't know what to bring... i don't want wear make up la.. so ma fan.... == never really like the feeling of make up... though it make a person look nice pretty and all... but is like hiding myself... hmm... and best part is i already am hiding myself.. if i put on make up won't i be covering up myself instead.. i have no offense between people who put on make up... i like in a way too.. just uncomfortable putting it on... hmm... WHAT TO DO!! ~~

hmm....

Yesterday... had fun.. at the same time.. make me think until like crazy... >~<'' why must everyone follow me... == stand there alone.. suddenly become in the middle... walk out then suddenly at the middle again.... o.o cannot walk out de meh.. what is with the girlfriend thingy... since when did i become his girlfriend.. == i don't even know sia.... maybe i heard it wrong.. but then at the same time i know what i heard... @@ the rest i won't say.. just let me keep it as a memory then.. hmm... what the hell am i thinking now... o.o blank mind how cute.. x.x

You.....

You are still in my mind... why... is it that i like you... or is it that i must find out something from you... or is it that i must remember something about you that i forget... what is it... though i love puzzle but i have never been good at guessing... so would you just tell me... i want to know... more like i have to know... if not it will get worst... and i will think too much... like i always do... so what is it... will you tell me... please... i want to know... i am willing to that the consequences of this answer i am suppose to know... please... just tell me... and tell me soon... thank you...

Sky... ~~

Why are you so high... Why are you so blue at times... so white at times.. so dark at times... Why do you have a bright sun i can't see... can't stare at it... Why do you have so many stars and i can't pluck them... and a moon as bright as light.. ~~ so not reachable.... Cloud so fluffy yet can't reach or feel it.. Why is everything so hard to get... too high to reach... too far to catch... why can't i have any of it... why is that things i want i can't get.. and in the end.. i realize that some things are just with me.. but.. i am greedy.. can't i have more.. i don't even know what i have the truth is... i can't see it anymore.. use to be able.. now... i don't get anything anymore... what is it that i want... what is it that you want from me... why is everything so ~~ messy.... why is my life like this...

Thinking...

Thinking.. Wondering.. Hoping... Wishing... what's the point... == is there any meaning to this... Believe.. what am i hanging on to.. why am i kind of scare of you.. when i see you feel like talking to you at the same time feel like hiding.. what is it that i want.. but hiding from you i will feel a little upset... don't hide from you i feel scare... afraid... and i don't know why... >~<'' you keep appearing in my mind.. why is it?... what is this feeling i am having.. is like never felt before.. never had this feeling before... what am i suppose to do... i really don't know...

Lala land..

Why shows nowadays.. lovers are like not meant to be.. they are just separated... even though they like each other.. it's just a drama and it already so hard.. kind of telling me that in the real world.. this is the fact of it.. ending lovers separated.. but knowing that they will still love each other no matter what.. but it's sad.. why can't they be together.. is that really very hard.. so much is flowing though my brain... having a headache... gosh... why... why... is it so hard.. :(

What do i want...

Why your name keep appearing in my head.. why your image keep popping out of my mind... what is it that i must find out from you.. why do you even appear.. brain... what do you want... i don't get you.. i don't understand... why.. you keep appearing and i don't know why.. what am i suppose to do.. you are like something i lost long time ago.. but i believe we never meet before.. but your name.. is just where did i heard it before.. or did i even heard it before... what is it.. am i suppose to remember something i forgotten? what did i forget.. who are you? have we met? seeing you feels familiar.. but i don't remember seeing you at all in the past.. maybe you were someone i knew in my past life.. who knows... god doesn't want to let me know... maybe is better not knowing.. but i prefer to know at least i know the reason why and won't regret.. even if i do regret at least i know i asked for it..

Ironic...

I just realize how ironic people can be.. never actually thought it that way.. (We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones that ignore us, love the ones who hurt us, and hurts the ones who love us..) how funny can this be.. why don't god just make everyone one pair.. that everyone who change liking someone else... and no one will be hurt.. from the day that they were born they were meant to be.. maybe i seen too much drama watch too much anime.. and i believe that happily ever after existed... don't understand why everything is so hard.. don't understand why is there mean people.. and that good people always seem to die first... why is there like nothing i understand in this world? what am i suppose to understand.. and why can't i understand.. 

Who.....

After so many thoughts.. who am i referring to... who am i thinking of.. i have a blank mind.. always thought you were the first and last.. and yet you are fading.. while i don't get it.. thought i love you... maybe because the time that i waited.. the chances that passes by.. i got tired.. am i right? *i don't know the answer yet i am asking myself* i should move one and find someone better.. but i am afraid.. and though you are fading.. i still feel you around.. like you are watching me.. time flies.. doesn't it?

Predictions..

What is predictions... predict your future? predict what is going to happen before it does? so what if we did know.. what is meant to happen will always find it's way to make it happen.. you manage to avoid the first prediction what about the rest? what if after you avoid the problem and it comes back more worst then before? *is not something you can avoid.. i know i can't like him.. tried my best to not.. tried my best to avoid.. end up falling for him deeper.. now it hurts more then before.. what if i didn't avoid in the first place.. will it be better.. will i have a different ending..* now all i have is a shadow that won't fade away.. is part of my life now.. i see your shadow behind me instead of my own...

Memory

Loving you i can't do it.. not loving you i can't forget.. your name.. your face.. your everything.. is just there.. wind blows.. leaves fall.. flower bloom.. clouds pass.. sun rise.. wondering what is the meaning of love.. what does it mean.. it mean having you? wanting you? leaving you? blessing you? some say love is selfish.. some say love is giving.. what is my love towards you?.. or is that even call love.. will i ever get the answer.. what do i want? what am i waiting for? walking to the future in a slow pace.. if i walk too fast i will miss a lot of things.. but if i walk too slow.. there will be more sadness won't it.. there is no speed good enough... you will still miss something or lose something either way..

Not my choice..

You leave me before i could say no.. i didn't even have the chance to say bye.. seeing the shadow fading.. standing there thinking you will come back.. you didn't even turn when you left.. leaving me with a the sadness.. i can't run away.. tears and pain just pour down on me like rain.. cold and wet and alone.. and you are not coming back.. waiting to to say that last goodbye i didn't manage to say... years pass.. and i forgot.. that last goodbye.. i went on my way to find the path that is meant for me.. that last goodbye wasn't mine to keep, wasn't yours to take.. i left the place without turn back like you did.. leaving memories and a letter.. "goodbye"

How...

要爱，我办不到。。 不爱，又望不了。。

No!! more like i don't know

Feel fluffy... after watching that show... so fairytale.. :( the girl so pretty.. the guy so kind.. wondering what is the ending.. o.o and the other guys are funny and kind too.. hmm.. wondering who fits her best o.o.. is becoming more and more drama >~<'' feel like flying ~~ want to touch the clouds @@

lonely..

Standing some where far.. seeing how happy you are.. seeing how nature behind you look so beautiful.. like you are part of nature.. if i go it won't be the same.. but if i don't go i am hurting myself more.. i want to be able to see the beautiful world like when you are around.. you are like the only torchlight i have in the dark.. and the light is already fading.. but i use to you shining my way for me.. i don't want to be alone in the dark.. i wished you had lead me out of the dark.. but you didn't and i'm afraid to go on without knowing what's infront...

Are you happy?

Are you finally happy?.. can i walk away from you now? from now i am to walk straight and don't turn back.. i use to turning back with you behind me giving me a sad face.. now that smile is just the reason i am suppose to walk away.. i hoping that your smile won't go away once i turn back.. you look nicer with your smile. :) A smile.. it seems to be more windy now.. i can feel the nature talking to me.. like i am free.. :') truth is i am always free is just i can't bare to see you sad.. staying till i see a smile.. now that you smile.. there is no more reason for me to stay is there.. i so use to staying.. now i afraid to go..

Blank.. *~*

Think too much now mind gone blank.. gosh.. why after i learn this chess game.. MY WHOLE LIFE LIKE CHANGING!!! now the worst part is coming.. i can't see the change.. but i can feel it's changing.. == WHAT'S CHANGING!?!!? ONE DAY!! ONE DAY!! i am so going to find out how this freaking game is played!!.. i wonder how they even create a game that you can't think.. i guess it's new for me.. everything needs to think.. and this doesn't.. maybe.. i can use this not thinking to solve problems i have i guess.. but for now it's creating a BIG problems for me.. hope i get use to it soon.. brain cracking.. if i don't get use to it soon.. i am so going to have head pain everyday... thinking also hurts not thinking also hurts... WHAT IS THIS SIA!!

@@

Why is it like so hard... == where to put... how to put... how to score.. how the hell do you count.. @@ how to see.. I CAN'T THINK!!!.. am i suppose to not think just put.. ahh.. >~<'' i am so use to think where people will put before i put... BUT WHY THIS CHESS GAME SO FREAKING BIG!!! so many possible move.. how to see sia.. Balance... how to balance when i don't know how to see, how to score.. i don't even know where the hell the other person will put... this game is like teaching me to not think and just feel.. but feel what.. i can't even see if the other person attacking a not... everything in life also need think one.. suddenly ask me don't think like very impossible.. ==  how to feel... asking me to be blind? gosh this need a lot of patience.. and the best part i am running of patience... x.x

Haiz..

So many things in my mind.. >~<'' why can't i get it out.. or at least why can't you all give me a break.. stupid brain stop thinking will you.. not feeling well gosh.. brain hurts but it won't stop thinking.. == is anyone out there who have the same problem? tired.. give up.. (Brain.. you want think then go ahead i give up..) the more i try the more i remember...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I am going to wish everyone an early happy new year.. won't be around to say that on that day.. so wish everyone have a happy, healthy, wonderful, beautiful, unforgettable new year.. :) AH BAO HERE I COME!! (KIDDING XD) let's work hard a new year ahead of us.. :) HOPE THAT WISHES COMES TRUE! even if it is just a lie.. :')

GOING TO FINISH NO MATTER WHAT!!

I am so going to finish my mmv no matter what.. i won't give up or this will be unfair to my friend who help me alot :( Promised to finish it.. and i will going to take it to malaysia to complete it.. even if i lost interests in it.. even if something happen to me.. even if the world end.. FOR MY FRIEND I WILL DO MY BEST!! hope to finish it soon.. :)

Why?

Hubby (Those who know me will know who) says that someone like me.. but i don't see it.. in what way sia.. and some more i only met the person today... >~<'' hubby think too much i guess.. hmm.. i read my horoscope and this year someone is going to backstab me... I hope is not true.. not really in the mood to have this kind of things.. is not only childish and it's also tiring.. you need more strength to hate a person.. and it's hurts too if the person is close to you.. I REALLY HOPE IT DOES NOT HAPPEN!! :(

Him, him, him or him?

WHO IS THE HIM!! == so many.. == why my life like so difficult.. can give me one simple life? and why i today keep sneezing... WHO IS SCOLDING ME??? or WHO IS MISS ME?? XD aiyo... nose itchy.. have normal lessons today.. use to have celebration for chinese new year. This school seems to not have.. kind of miss secondary school when we have celebrations.. but haha not that much.. miss friends there though...

Messy.. o.o

o.o My brain is now empty.. don't really know what to write.. Thanks to playing Wei Qi (My New CCA) think too much on which move to put.. == now brain empty.. going malaysia today. :) haha will get to see those pretty fireworks AGAIN!!! XD My heart is not really stable right now.. Ah.... TT messy.. stop thinking... >~<''

Do you know.. TT

I like you do you know? I love you do you know? I miss you do you know? I want you do you know? I need you do you know? Please don't leave me.. TT bring me with you.. why you can't seem to see that i am here.. to you am i just another human being? I can't have you can i? promised myself.. 10years.. i will wait 10year.. waiting for miracle to happen...... Why am i always lying to myself.. why do i always believe you will see me one day.. when i know to fact that you can't.. and why i am just in my wonderland thinking wishes will come true..?

Starlight... :)

Starlight, Starbright, First Star I See Tonight.. I Wish I May I Wish I Might.. You Are The Only One I Think About Tonight.. You Shine My World.. You Shine Tonight.. Making My Night As Bright Light.. Starlight, Starbright.. You Know How Much I Miss You Tonight.. :( I Wish I May I Wish I Might.. Let Me Dream Of You Tonight.. You Mean A Lot To Me All Life.. I Wish I Can Keep You All Life.. But I Know You Have To Take Flight.. Please Stay For Me Alright? TT

My story :)

MY WORLD.. you can't see how prefect it is.. i can't too.. but it is perfect.. is just humans are never satisfy.. always think that god is unfair they can't have what they want.. (i am also like that) but if we see it is another way your life is perfect.. :) maybe this day might never come for a lot of people until you lost something really important.. i hope one day i can see it without losing something.. i want to use my eyes to see my life.. use my heart to feel my life... use my laughter to improve my life.. use tears to clear away useless things in my life.. i want to see my perfect life my own way.. so can everyone! JIA YOU!! :)