Pain?

Why do i still feel the pain... where is this pain coming from.. is like flooding in... i suddenly miss you daddy... i always have... but today seem to miss you a lot more.. your birthday is coming soon.. i am sorry i never once gave you a birthday present.. i never had this chance... wasn't given any... i am really sorry for being childish last time.. i was too small to think... now i feel stupid... sorry for making you angry... i want to hug you again.. i forget how it feels like.. 11years.. it just pass.. i still remember your cold hands.. wish i had made it warm.. life had never been the same.. and i am kind of tired of this life.. i actually find no point of me being here... i am not doing any help to this world at all.. all i know.. is to say.. but never once do it.. can you bring me along with you? i want to go with you.. i am tired of smiling... i want to cry... i want to cry all day long but knowing that crying doesn't help in anything.. if you can't bring me along.. can you at least show me how to see this world? i really don't know.. i tried... i really tried.. i don't see the good things anymore.. i don't see the bad either... i can only see that i am too stupid.. dumb.. and of no help. :( take me or show me.. :)