What am i thinking...

Am i lying to myself? or is it you who is lying to me.. do i look like a child.. who do you think i am.. or should i say what do you think i am.. a toy?.. even if you treat me as a toy.. toys have feeling too.. don't you know that is not funny.. and is not fun doing this... who am i kidding.. why.. why is it that after i change.. everything is telling me i made the wrong choice.. i took the wrong path.. why are you all doing this to me.. i told myself never lie to people i love.. never to hurt them cause they are special to me.. i ended up with doubts and disbelieve.. am i that hard to trust.. okay from now on.. i don't want to prove myself anymore.. who am i proving to.. why am i even trying to prove that you are wrong.. you want then choose to believe me..  what is the point of having friends who suspects you.. am i that hard to believe.. i finally realize no matter how hard i try.. friendship is just to fragile to take up the challenge.. now to think of it.. friends.. i trusted in it.. i really did.. but that word.. just woke me up.. the feeling is like a knife stabbing you infront of you.. and is not by a stranger.. is by someone you trust.. trust... i don't know how anymore.. friendship... i give up..