Erm....

Tomorrow... april fools day.... hmm... is something going to happen to me on that day?... maybe i am just too sensitive.. o.o but then... every time i think of it... i have a weird feeling... who is going to play a prank on me.. =='' gosh... must be extra careful tomorrow... == holiday... time pass so fast... x.x 2 weeks gone... 1 more to go.. knowing that next thing i know is end of the year le... hmm... suddenly got a lot of things i want to do... but then.. i have no mood to do it... == either way i am so going to buy that book... need to boost my interest... :) haha... going to say this to myself again... (TOMORROW IS A BRAND NEW DAY!!) haha not really working anymore... but oh well.. haha.. better than nothing.. :D

Dreaming...

I guess i must really sit down and think my life though... all those that had happen.. all the happy and sad times... realizing that all that i had.. my friends... my family... all start out with a bad memory... those people i know who start out with good memory.. all ended up leaving me... i can't have happy memory all the way?.. so either way i am suppose to start with a bad memory with someone.. and that person will stay as my friend.. longer? i don't get it... don't really know how to write this... don't even know what i said has any meaning... friends... i suddenly can't see them... is like i always have been alone.. == hmm... maybe i think too much... ==

Cute... ==

Haha.. my cute cousin make me laugh.. always able to.. even though she has no intention.. i found that everyone one is similar.. too similar... maybe i think too much.. and by the way.. can you people stop using my method to 'shoot' me back.. == very painful sia.. always like that de... win liao lor.. == use your own method to 'shoot' me and not use my.. == is like me shooting myself.. == and it make me feel that i am seriously useless.. == i can't even win myself.. x.x

Aiyo..

Why like this... why like that.. this is so not helping.. == hate... yes.. i hate you!! i really hate you!!.. but then what is the point.. hating you is just wasting my energy.. wasting my time too... i got a weird feeling about sunday... it's a sunday.. what will happen... == yeah i know april fools.. but then most likely i at home mah.. aiya don't know luh.. see what happens lor.. i am waiting.. don't know if you know that.. but i am telling you i am waiting.. waiting for what people might ask.. i waiting.. waiting.. waiting for the sky to fall.. when is it going to fall.. ==''

Wonders~~

I believe.. no matter what i believe. that everyone is good.. no matter who say you are good or bad.. you are all good to me! :) first of all cause.. no one is born bad.. no one is born evil.. people who are evil or bad has their reason.... maybe they themselves don't know the reason.. but i know they are not born that way.. one is evil maybe because they see no point in being good... or maybe other reason... i am not making up reason for them.. these are the fact.. there is a saying.. those who are heartless once care too much... so those who are evil/bad are once too good.. is just a way to hide themselves i guess...

Maybe..

Hope things stop changing.. just stay the way it is.. i want to accept it.. the way it is.. if everything keep changing.. i can't decide.. i don't want.. keep it this way.. though it hurts.. but i don't mind just stop changing.. i don't want to have hope up high and you just smash it infront of me.. i am tired... heartless to be correct.. story.. my life is like a story with no ending.. not knowing what is happening tomorrow.. not knowing what is my future is like.. not knowing how many more nice/heartless people i will meet in the future.. instead of keep thinking how bad my life is.. i am doing a lot of this to distract me.. it is working a little by little.. healing cell by cell.. how long can i keep lying to myself.. once start lying i can't stop.. can i.. if i stop.. it will just hurt more.. though i know i am lying to myself.. but i still lying to myself.. i guess i am crazy.. but well.. what can i do..

Music...

A way for me to escape from this world.. i wish i could just escape forever.. to a calming land.. a place with no worries.. no stress.. all the freedom i want.. all the peace... a big blue ocean.. a pretty waterfall... a clear mountain.. but when the music ends.. i will have to wake up.. i can replay the music forever.. but what is the point when all this are just my imagination a dream that is never real.. a dream that never comes true.. a dream to be forgotten... losing everything is still okay so long i have friends and family.. but i lost fate and trust in friendship... all i am left is family.. but how long they can be with me.. to be simple i am just alone.. alone like i always wanted to be.. yet i am afraid to be.. what to do.. i don't seem to have a choice..

Once is enough..

I see a big world out there.. but though the world is big.. i don't think i fit in.. there is like no place for me.. believe.. i don't want to.. not anymore.. trust.. there isn't anyone for me to do that.. not even myself.. hope.. what for.. it just make me suffer more.. dreams.. is never real.. wonders.. they are true but unreachable.. nothing is left.. i guess.. a thing that is broken.. will remain as it is.. not going to pick it up and glue it back.. scars are forever there.. if i glue it back and it breaks again.. i think it will turn to dust.. and get blown by the wind.. then i will have nothing left to hold on to.. leaving it as it is.. knowing that it will never be the same.. no matter how hard i try.. what is broken.. will always be broken.. even if fix.. it will never be the same..  what is left is to be forgotten.. like me.. i am what is left.. to be forgotten..

Waking up~~

I tried.. i really did.. but result just keep proving to me that i was right not to believe.. never thought that it will hurt.. why are you do this to me.. why is it that you are the one doing all the talking.. you made me believe.. yet you are the one who hurt me with this.. believe.. hope... trust.. what are these... these are just knife that you can stab me countless times with.. i believed... yet that believe.. is just a unreachable dream... hope.. a light for me to continue.. but the light die out.. trust.. shattered infront of me.. i am always kidding myself.. always lying to myself saying that tomorrow will be better.. one day everything will be different.. there is a reason for all this.. everything is not as it seems.. who am i kidding.. who am i lying to... myself.. i tried.. i really did.. i tried all possible ways.. but everything just keep proving me wrong.. i just all that is left is to accept that this is life.. this is my life.. this just prove to me... i must wake up from my dream.. and face this cold world..

What am i thinking...

Am i lying to myself? or is it you who is lying to me.. do i look like a child.. who do you think i am.. or should i say what do you think i am.. a toy?.. even if you treat me as a toy.. toys have feeling too.. don't you know that is not funny.. and is not fun doing this... who am i kidding.. why.. why is it that after i change.. everything is telling me i made the wrong choice.. i took the wrong path.. why are you all doing this to me.. i told myself never lie to people i love.. never to hurt them cause they are special to me.. i ended up with doubts and disbelieve.. am i that hard to trust.. okay from now on.. i don't want to prove myself anymore.. who am i proving to.. why am i even trying to prove that you are wrong.. you want then choose to believe me..  what is the point of having friends who suspects you.. am i that hard to believe.. i finally realize no matter how hard i try.. friendship is just to fragile to take up the challenge.. now to think of it.. friends.. i trusted in it.. i really did.. but that word.. just woke me up.. the feeling is like a knife stabbing you infront of you.. and is not by a stranger.. is by someone you trust.. trust... i don't know how anymore.. friendship... i give up..

我在骗谁。。

我在骗我自己吧。。谁知我要什么。。谁知我不要什么。。连我自己都不知。。爱你或恨你。。有老天来决定。。我累了。。没办法了。。不想再想了。。你说的话是真是假。。我不知道也没有那个心去知道了。。我左右为难。。心好痛好痛。。我很想相信。。可是我不敢。。我怕受伤。。我怕失去。。我只能这样了。。希望我是错的。。这有老天决定。。或有时间决定。。我还是相信。。可要看你怎么做了。。因为我已经受伤了。。可我还愿意相信。。因为有可能你不是故意的。。或你根本不知道。。我已经一直在骗自己。。已经没办法了。。我哭了。。我累了。。希望明天会跟好。。祝福你。。希望你幸福。。我知道我不是你的幸福。。而我也不会给你幸福。。只能祝福你了。。希望你每天开心的笑。。我也会为你而笑。。要开心噢。。

Wake up!! NOW!! ><''

I have decided!! and please stop changing!!... Stop appearing at the wrong time!! why everytime when i decide something you appear!! why you have to torture me.. why am i affected by it anyway... what the heck is wrong with me... i need to decide this fast.. if i don't decide it now.. i think i can't walk out of this.. if i don't walk out of this.. and am forever stuck in this situation... now i must decide.. and stick to the decision... going to think about it tonight!! =3=

如果。。

如果，有一天我不在了。。你会擦决吗？。。你会知道吗？。。你会感觉得到吗？不会。。对吧？因为，我对你来说根本就没有存在过对吧？我把你想象得太好了。。到后来。。我伤害了自己。。很傻对吧？。。我真得太笨。。太笨了。。我为什么要那么伤害自己。。爱着你我痛苦。。不爱你我也痛苦。。爱一个人为什么那么辛苦。。为什么老天爷要这样对我。。我很累很累了。。。你可怜可怜我好吗。。我不需要很多。。只需要一个爱我而我也爱他就够了。。傻傻的我已经不想再爱了。。因为，爱一个人很痛苦。。我只会一直伤害我自己。。到后来。。角落是我的好朋友。。一个。。我可以哭的地方。。

Stop lying..

Stop lying to yourself will you.. == stop lying to me will you... don't come in my life again!! i am afraid... i am scare.. really could you just stay where you are and i will walk away.. why am i doing this to myself... why are you doing this to me... i am already shutting myself in.. what more do you want me to do.. i wish i could just suddenly scream until i lose my voice... i hate this feeling... i want to scream out all my emotions... but singapore has no such place for me to do that... if i did people will this i am crazy.. sometimes i wish.. i would just go crazy.. then i won't have to think much of this... and even if i think more.. i have no idea what am i doing.... i just want  to know the truth.. and change my life with it.. why is it so hard... i am tired of this already..

Haha.. My birthday! :)

Just another normal day.. spending my birthday at home.. hehe.. XD wanting it to be a lonely birthday.. haha.. wish came true i guess... no one at home... o.o peaceful... will it rain today? gosh.. when will i get well.. still sick.. == why when i want to fall sick i just can't... and i don't want to be sick i suddenly fall sick.. == and worst part.. why is it getting worst and worst.. aiyo... today my birthday.. can i not be sick... very tired leh... haha but what is the difference is just another day... the birthday thingy is just a name to make it special i guess.. o.o oh well... whatever.. i just want to be sick free!!... @@

1 more day..

Memories... i remember... i remember all that i forgotten... i remember all that i tried so hard to forget.. why did it come back to me... why... it took me very long to forget.. and it just took... less than 1 min to remember everything back again... now how am i to forget it again.... or am i to live with it... i am to live with it aren't i? really... why is it so hard... 11 years... seems to pass very fast... i guess.. just another day won't be any harm... been living with it for so long... what does one day matter anyway... loving someone... how to not love someone.. waiting... why does waiting hurt... i am just waiting for the time to pass... for the wounds to heal... waiting... to forget everything... waiting... waiting... heart-pain~~ does it even matter... no one cares... why do it bother... i am just wasting my time.. my effort... my energy.... tired...

2 more days...

Sick... gosh... hope i don't fall sick... though i always wish to... but not this time... not this year... not ever... these few days i have been really really tired... mentally tired... physically tired... i am not trying to don't think anymore... the more i try not to think... the more i think... and worst i remember more... i guess... i just need to let the memories flow... but is it really painful... don't know what to do... don't know how to feel... what is my emotions right now... i have mixed feeling... i feel sad, happy, angry.... and lots more mixed together... what is this feeling.. what is it... anyone to tell me? or am i to find this out on my own too... i really tired... i need a long long long rest...

3 more days...

3 more days till my birthday.. wonder what will happen on that day... hmm... receive lots of presents.. well counted lots cause only a few remember.. thank two of my best friend :) one gave me a puzzle and the other a ring. SO NICE!! :) today receive another present from my secondary school friend.. XD A BIG TEDDY!!.. it so big.. @@ haha.. soft soft i LOVE it.. but why do i still feel lonely.. even after so many friends cared... is like they are just people passing pass my life... not here to stay for long.. today.. my father's birthday.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!!.. i miss you.. i miss the time when we eat together... i miss the time we go out together.. i miss... i just miss it... i feel sick... hope i don't fall sick though i know.. i am sick.. (* ** ******* *** ***.. ** *** **** ****... * **** ***... * ****** ** ********* **** ******** **** ***..... *** * ***** * **** ** *** ****... dreams never do come true... i wish for too much...)

只是。。

缘分，让我遇上你。。
感觉，让我喜欢你。。
时间，让我爱上你。。
思念，让我记住你。。
心痛，让我想起你。。
心中，一切都是你。。
只是，身边缺少你。。

What is wrong with me.. ==''

Why is there so many whys in this world... and why do i have so many whys for this world.. and why does everyone have so many whys for me... how am i to answer to all the whys... and who is going to answer to my whys.. WHY!!.. gosh there i go again with my whys.. this is so tiring.. i don't really mind tiring.. but the worst part of this is that i don't know where to get the answers from.. who to get it from.. or why do i even want it.. who's why am i suppose to answer.. and why do i have the answer to that person's whys... who has my answer to my whys... i just discover that we are all on a journey to find the person who has the answers to your whys and you have the answer to another person's whys.. so complicated.. don't know if all understand what i have just wrote.. hehe.. :)

Oops..

Haha haven't been posting a lot recently.. nothing much to write.. all that i write are mostly about how i feel.. and i guess i have never see it from other people's view.. don't really know what you all think.. maybe there is someone out there that just think opposite of what i think.. i think that is so COOL! hope to meet this person one day.. then we will be able to know how different is each and everyone's thinking.. and maybe i will be able to solve why not all human can get together/ work together.. and hope to bring a peaceful and harmony answer.. anyone to share their views with me? i may disagree with what you say but do share i would love to know. :) but i accepting all the answer or view point i given having now. :) let's work together :D don't be shy SHARE!! :D

YEAH!!!

CSV EXAM OVER!!! I CAN FINALLY REST MY BRAIN!!.. sorry brain.. i know you try your best but.. i don't get why you can't remember much... only a few... at first you remember then when i rest a while you just forget everything... that never mind i study again... but time to time you keep forgets.. it is very tiring for me... today i went in exam with a BLANK mind... but thank god.. after reading the question some answer came to me.. if not i am so going to cry... i can't believe when i study i actually don't remember anything... and that is like equals to i not studying at all.. hope next time i study the same thing won't happen to me again... I AM TIRED OF THAT!! :(

Sorry..

Just know that there is a lot i don't remember.. maybe it was too painful to remember.. but either way.. i seems to know the place there.. seems... got a sudden feeling that i miss you... had a blank mind today... can't really think of anything... brain doesn't really function... it is kind of scary... suddenly wondering why i have so much imagination... those imagination are TOO GOOD to be true!!.. so don't think so much.. it won't happen... you and your happily every after... IT WON'T HAPPEN!! i am telling you... you can imagine but don't treat it as really... since when did you ever get what you want... like really when... stop hurting yourself now!!... wake up!!.. *SMACK!!!* WAKE UP WILL YOU!! *SLAPS*... why won't you wake up.. i am tired... too tired.. oh whatever... don't go crying again if it doesn't come true.. == I GIVE UP!!... i don't know who or what am i anymore!!!

Hmm~~

Wonder why.. i can't control my tears nowadays they just fall.. and i only realize i was crying until the tears drop on my hand.. seeing the rain now.. don't know how to feel.. wanting to cry.. but i can't cry.. don't want to cry.. don't even feel like crying.. the tear drop... why.. too sad inside? my heart.. it feel painful and itchy and the same time.. staring at the rain and wonder what i said last time about everyone's emotion.. just now seeing a funeral and all that i thought i forgot just came back to me.. so clearly.. too clear.. till.. i am sorry for what i did.. i miss you.. i miss you a lot.. really.. today in chinese calendar is yours and mine birthday.. i really really miss you a lot.. i want.. i want to see you again.. to hug you like before.. don't really remember about that.. but through picture you taken of me.. i can only imagine.. but i don't remember much.. only some.. but those some.. are the ones i regret doing.. or regret not doing.. i'm sorry.. really really sorry.. forgive me.. :(

Haiz~~

心痒痒的。。不知发生了什么。。好辛苦。。为什么心痒痒的。。haiz... maybe i watch too much shows.. >~<'' at the same time i don't think is because of the shows.. that pain... it came back afterall... after i thought i forgot about it... so tiring.. hope i figure it out soon.. i am getting really really really tired of this.. i don't see the point.. and yet i am hanging on to it.. to what.. i asked.. but i don't seem to see it.. i can only feel it... and that feeling is fading fast.. it is going to be pointless soon... and what will i do... or it should be... what can i do.. :(

Not meant to be..

Though about it.. over and over again.. done i am sticking to this decision.. hope i stop changing my mind.. this is so going to kill me if i change my mind again.. AH!!.. exam coming and i am like so lazy to study... :\ no mood study and not i don't want to study... how... gosh... wishing that there are no more problems.. =='' (* **** *** *** **** ** *** *****. ** **** *******... *****? *** ** * ***** ***** ** ******.. **** ** ** *******!!) why.. haiz.. i am really really tired of this already == daddy!! SAVE ME!! :(

Mix...

Why didn't you take me with you daddy.. ~~ instead you show me something else.. what are you trying to say.. you know.. i don't know how to feel anymore.. i really don't know to feel sad, happy or angry... i want to see more.. to know more.. show me.. i want to know about the answer to ALL my question... but you choose either to show me or to take me with you.. because i am tired... really tired.. wondering if i was every living here.. don't really remember much from my life... >~<'' how was it like to smile like i did last time.. i forget how it feels like.. when every one is small.. they are happy they laugh, they are sad they cry... now they are happy but crying inside... when they are sad they act happy outside... :( i want to be a small child.. being a child you don't have any problems.. is just you and your play world... :(

Pain?

Why do i still feel the pain... where is this pain coming from.. is like flooding in... i suddenly miss you daddy... i always have... but today seem to miss you a lot more.. your birthday is coming soon.. i am sorry i never once gave you a birthday present.. i never had this chance... wasn't given any... i am really sorry for being childish last time.. i was too small to think... now i feel stupid... sorry for making you angry... i want to hug you again.. i forget how it feels like.. 11years.. it just pass.. i still remember your cold hands.. wish i had made it warm.. life had never been the same.. and i am kind of tired of this life.. i actually find no point of me being here... i am not doing any help to this world at all.. all i know.. is to say.. but never once do it.. can you bring me along with you? i want to go with you.. i am tired of smiling... i want to cry... i want to cry all day long but knowing that crying doesn't help in anything.. if you can't bring me along.. can you at least show me how to see this world? i really don't know.. i tried... i really tried.. i don't see the good things anymore.. i don't see the bad either... i can only see that i am too stupid.. dumb.. and of no help. :( take me or show me.. :)

Haha damn funny.. ~~ ;)

Funny that my life is so weird.. ~~ i finally see the sky... the sky i was looking for all these time.. :) i was always too busy thinking... doing my things... never once look up and see this beautiful world... a world i have been searching for... a nice pretty world.. where everything seem to be prefect.. now i see it.. the way a flower blooms.. the way that wind blows... the way the river flows... i finally put down everything and look up.. i see it now.. a world i have been searching for.. it was with me all this time.. finally have a peaceful life... i am living a simple life... i am the one who made it complicated... and i blame everyone for it... sorry about that... going to give trust another chances.. and hope this will be the last... cause i hope it last forever. :)

Hugs~~

I want a hug... i need a hug.. from who you may i ask.. that i can't answer you.. but now.. the hug i need can only come from my bear~~ MY CUTE CUDDLY TEDDY BEAR!! i miss you!!~~ i really do!!~~ do you miss me? :\ TEDDY!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!! ;) haha you don't right? okay i am telling you now.. :) TEDDY I LOVE YOU!!! wishing my bedroom was flooded with cute cuddly teddies.. :) teddy made me feel save... and always have.. if only it was alive.. but being able to let me hug went need.. and smile while listening to what i say is enough.. i wish you are always mine.. and won't get throw away.. cause i never will throw you away.. the last time my mum threw my teddy away... i cried!!.. i miss that teddy!!... until now i still feel a little sad... if i wasn't in school i will never let her throw it!!... MY FAVORITE TEDDIES!!! don't you ever leave me! ;) I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!! :) i won't leave you too so don't worry!! :) LOVE YOU ALL LOTS!! (>^^)> HUGS!!

How ~~

HOW!! TELL ME!! HOW!!!... how am i to think!!.. what am i to do... i don't get you... i don't get any of you... how many freaking side does a human have!!.. i wish all human have one side... or at least the real side of them.. i can't see... really... god what do you want from me... i have nothing.. does making my life like this make you happier? if it does.. i have nothing to say.. please... really... i just need a simple.. happy... lonely life... please... i don't want ask for more... because.. you gave me a life... but i am living a life that is not lonely.. is okay not to be lonely... but i am not happy... how i wish... i didn't see it... if only i didn't see it.. all i have to do is to continue lying to myself... why!! (* **** *** ** ******... * **** *** ** *********.. * ** ***.. * ****.. *** *** ***'* **** ** **** ** ****** **** ****!! *** ***** * ****.. *** *** ***!! *** **** * **** *** :( *** ***... ** *** ****** **** **** ** ** ******** **** ***'* **** ** **** *** ** **** *** ** *** ***** *****~~)

Pissed off ==''

I already no mood already.. == what is wrong with you!!.. yesterday i didn't do a thing you keep nagging i keep quiet... for the pass few days you keep nagging i keep quiet... i keep quiet doesn't mean you can continue like that scolding me.. i did nothing wrong okay.. == and you don't even know what is happening you scold me.. == you only know how to say i keep use computer and phone.. but did you know that at least both of this thing can make me feel happier... 'they' can make me happier more than you can.. you say i don't know anything.. only know how to use computer use phone.. then do you know i freaking hate my life.. and that i wish you could shut up and listen to me.. wishing you would understand me.. but you don't and since you don't could you leave me alone.. you say i go school for what.. don't need study.. but when i was studying where you there to even see or notice? you only see the bad side of me.. never tried to see the good side of me.. okay fine you want me to be heartless i will!!.. don't blame me for doing this.. i didn't want to.. you force me.. you think i don't know about what is happening.. i know.. i know all.. but i just act as if i don't because it will hurt you.. and yet by trying to protect you, you hurt me.. i didn't say cause i didn't want you to worry.. i know there is problem with money... i know.. that is why i skip most of my breakfast lunch and dinner.. and yet you scold me.. saying i lazy buy.. i just agree with you i lazy to buy.. you never think in my way.. if you don't please.. don't bother.. when you finally realize this.. you already lost a always trying to protect you daughter.. i give up on trying le.. you will never understand.. and i and wasting my time and effort.. if you hate me so much why did you give birth to me in the first place.. i wish i wasn't born..

Gave up..

This is for all my friends.. i am fine you don't have to worry. :) this is not the first time i cried by myself... :) but this is the first time i wish to be alone.. if you ask me what happen.. nothing much.. i don't wish to remember either.. knowing that i so used to people around helping me.. what if one day you all are gone... who am i to look for help.. so i really need to be alone.. and all i need now is time to pass.. please don't why me.. just treat it as i am dead or that i travel somewhere far.. might not ever return.. or can take it as though i change to someone you don't have to understand... knowing that a lot of you try very hard to understand what is wrong with me.. or why am i like this.. or everything about me.. now that my soul is not with me.. you don't need to have a hard time to figure out.. i smile i will smile.. i cry i will cry.. is that simple.. don't ever want to be a complicated me again.. i want a simple and lonely happy life. hope you all will understand. :)

Windy~~

A day where wind blows all emotion from all around the world... i guess the rain is not form by water.. but is form by sadness all around the world... don't know if anyone of you think so... but you see don't you think it is always more windy when it rains? clouds collect everyone's emotion and and pour it down in rain... real fact are tears of people who are cry inside.. and don't know why everytime it rains... i seem to feel like crying to... and i actually don't feel lonely.. i guess i know why i always like the rain... it makes me feel that everyone is crying with me too.. and that i am not the only one in the world that is sad... whether this is a lie i made for myself or not is not important... but i really like the feel of rain pouring down on me... cold yet so warm... is just me mentally thinking that i am not alone.. the fact you see i am alone... and i like being alone.. :') it seems so.. pretty..

Heartless.. ;)

My soul is gone now.. so i am no difference from being heartless... a fake smile changes everything... that smile.. someone once told me... smile.. no matter good or bad just smile.. and a smile can brighten your day.. no matter how dark it is.. but he is wrong... i smile can only brighten the days of people around you... when you smile they smile with you... and smile is a mask that everyone wears with them... in order to hide their real self... a smile is needed.. yet it actually works... it felt like lying to everyone... but who isn't.. if you think it in a way everyone 'wears' a smile... and to think that they lie to everyone that they are smiling... but the true fact is that everyone is lying to themselves that their friends are smiling cause they smile.. how can everyone be smiling when the mask is on and crying inside of them... this is the world i see now..

Trust..

Who can you trust in this world.. friends? family?.. i don't know.. and don't think so... who can i trust.. after that day.. i finally realize all along i have been lying to myself... i always trusted in friends, family and everyone... but that trust was lost when i was small.. i didn't see the point... trust to me is just a word that sounds nice... till i was in secondary school... i started pick up trust.. and always though i never had to put it down... but i guess i was wrong.. i shouldn't have pick it up in the first place... and then i could avoid being hurt... now trust to me is just a shattered promised.. a glass that fall on a floor broken... no matter how you fix it... it won't be the same.. scars all over.. i can't even trust myself now.. i didn't know i could actually be so dumb... funny isn't it.. funny~~ but why does it hurt..

Gone~~

Wake up in the morning... felt dead... like there is no soul.. then i realize my soul was gone... i said goodbye to it yesterday.. feel kind of funny.. i am lost... just left a body that moves... all the feeling of happiness i had.. was gone like never there... all the love and hate... the good the bad look same to me.. what is the difference? all are human.. all have heart.. all breathing.. never actually felt such empty before... all that is left with me are the pain that no one.. not even myself understand... i can't believe that i was so stupid... so dumb.. i actually believe that fairy tales can happen to real life.. now i realize that is just a dream to cover the reality... now i am finally in the coldness of reality..

Goodbye!! :')

Final goodbye to my old self.. from tomorrow onward.. is a brand new day.. a brand new life.. a brand new me.. 永别了，请不要在做回以前的我了。。以前的我。。太天真了。。终于，看清楚现实生活没有我想象的那么美。。如果，我再不和以前的我说永别。。将来，我会很痛苦的。。所以，请原谅我。

Tears..

Tears it used to be warm.. it used to be a way for me to show how i really feel.. now my tears are cold.. i kind of like it.. it just prove to me how i wish i could be lonely... with no one to care about me.. with no one to worry about me.. i wish everyone would just ignore me.. this time being alone might finally cure me.. i just realize the previous scar wasn't heal.. and yet i add more to it.. never felt this painful before.. no one will ever get why i suddenly become like this.. i knew i would go to darkness for help sooner or later.. being heartless is actually not a bad thing.. i can hide myself.. and i really need a place to hide myself.. if you know me (real life) please help me by not doing anything.. is myself that i am fighting right now.. please don't care if i fall.. being friends with everyone of you i feel bless... but too bless.. i don't deserve and need this bless.. please.. just let me be. :')

lying~~

Never thought i would cry again.. i mean never thought i would cry while laughing again.. it's been so long.. feel dumb suddenly... how stupid can i be.. finally woken up from my wonderland.. reality is not as pretty as i imagine.. all that, had just been a long sweet dream... no matter how sweet your dream is you will soon have to wake up.. now i finally wake up.. i never want to dream again.. thank god.. it wasn't deep... if not it will hurt more.. dream.. how long do i think this wonderland will last... i see the truth.. i see no point in anything anymore.. i finally understand my dream.. that dream.. is a sign for me to watch out not telling me how i feel.. :') i want a peaceful and lonely life.. not going to ever ask for more.. i never thought i want to be lonely so badly.. take me away please... i am really really tired.. and yet i have a long way to go.. :'(

Funny.. :')

Really why did i even bother.. haha.. :') 我觉得我好可笑。。我终于明白了。。我以为我已经明白了。。原来我是在骗自己。。好痛。。好痛。。我。。我。。我终于，哭了。。幸福。。永远不属于我的。。是我太天真了。。不觉得我很可笑吗。。好痛苦的眼泪。。我再也不要为任何人而流泪了。。天真的我终于了解了。。老天，请你饶了我。。给我一个平静，孤单的生活就够了。。请不要再让我爱上任何人了。。我不再求你了。。这样就好。。我。。我。。不再爱了。。因为我放弃了。。谢谢，你让我看清楚我有多傻。。:')

The pain ~~

I feel the pain.. time is short i know.. i guess there is no point thinking that the time is pass fast or slow... so long i do something with the time.. so long i decide my next step.. i made use of my time.. that should be enough.. soon.. i will find the darkness i am looking for.. i gave up on the light.. hoping i can find light in darkness... darkness is not as scary as everyone see it.. it actually is very lonely.. because everyone is afraid to go close to it.. thinking that something bad will happen cause you don't know it.. and you don't even bother to know it.. i took my step.. i want to know the darkness.. don't bother stopping me.. this is the choice i made.. whatever happens.. forgive me.. this is who i am.. if you don't like it.. you can go.. don't use the word because you are my friend or because you care.. there is no point in this.. cause we came to this world alone... and leave this world alone.. :')

Answer..

I found my answer.. my dream gave me the answer.. now i get it.. but then.. i also get something else today.. it seems i am lying to myself.. i made my choice.. if something happen today i will change my choice.. but if nothing happen it just prove what is the result.. and i am accepting all my answer.. i see all my path now.. i am waiting for the light to come.. and if it doesn't appear.. i am going to make my choice.. and see where it leads.. if it's a dead end.. either i turn around and take another path.. or i climb over it to continue.. i finally made up my mind.. :')

I think...

Let god decide ba.. i really don't know le.. i am afraid to say that i know.. i am afraid of the answer.. i am afraid of myself... what to do.. >< the answer to my question is right there.. but i don't dare go close to it... all that is left is your answer to my question.. but the question.. the question.. is so scary.. @@ i don't see the hope i always cling on anymore.. *SMACK* (wake up from this already!!) i guess.. this is a my doing.. i am the one to my myself suffer like that.. @@ why do i bother~~ the answer is so clear.. and yet.. yet.. the answer is so far.. :(

缘分

缘分，让我遇上你；感觉，让我喜欢你；时间，让我爱上你；思念，让我记住你。心痛，让我想起你。心中，一切都是你。只是，身边缺少你。因为你，我曾经心痛。因为你，我曾经迷惑。因为你，我曾经快乐。因为你，我一生无悔。爱你的心，永远不变。现时的你，一样很美丽。想你的我，永远是等待...

Running out of time!! :(

Everything is forcing me to a dead end.. that i don't really care... but why is the time also pushing me... why since the start of this year i keep think time pass very fast!!.. WHY!!... i don;t have enough time luh... i can't think!! Tell or don't tell... go or don't go.. say or don't say.. give or don't give... @@ my brain is not working... :( i want to just leave it to god to decide... but by doing that i am hiding the fact of it as well as decided it.. and i might regret it.. but i really don't know... time just fly and fly... == just now see is 8 pm then become 10 pm suddenly... now 11 pm le... time really fly... why won't it pass slower.. == after writing this.. i just got my answer... why would i bother about the time passing so fast if i don't ............ i guess i knew the answer the whole time just didn't want to accept it.. why can't i accept it then... what is wrong with me!!.. haiz... :(

Random~~

Saw something that just explain why... (Those who are heartless, once cared too much... ) will i soon become like this too? is like the best option to hide myself... must learn to let everything go... i care too much about everything... and became more and more afraid.. if i become heartless i can finally be free of these things.. free.. what does it feel like to be really free... not meaning freedom... meaning you have nothing to worry about... nothing to think about... nothing to be stress about... nothing to care about... just free... free from all worries... free from being scare everytime... free... i want to be free... and i am like one more step closer to being heartless... :) i am not going to care too much.. i don't see the point.. i never did...