My life.. *~*

Why so many things for me to decide today!!.. i am sooooo stress... =3= i can't decide!! i really can't!! anyone help me here!! T^T why soo hard... my head pain... i want cry le lah... today 29 feb.. though is four year once it seems like a normal day.. o.o but the fact of me having more thinks to decide today is just killing me!! oh i saw a post today.. 29 feb is confession day.. a day when most confession is successful... haven't heard of a unsuccessful one yet!.. so has anyone of you tried? a few more hours left before 29 is over. JIA YOU!! (for those who are trying) :)

Knowing ~~

Sometimes is best not to know.. other times is best to pretend you don't know.. but now i really want to know if i like you a not.. thinking about liking him for 3 plus year.. is like nothing suddenly... did i even like him before.. maybe at first i did.. and then in the end it becomes a habit.. (let me keep the rest of the thought) now as for the liking him or not.. (not the same person) i want to know.. but i just have this feeling this is not the time for me to know.. i guess there is a lot of this not meant for me to know.. as for the whether he like me a not i don't know either.. i want to know but.. timing not right.. plus i am kind of afraid to know.. my friends say he like me.. but who knows.. they are not him after all... okay topic ended.. not thinking of it anymore.. *smack* think of you coming exam! @@

Truth..

Thinking about this word.. and i don't know why but i think that truth is just a lie that everyone make.. what is the truth.. is a word that make everyone or everything seems clearer.. in a way is just a lie to make you feel better.. is okay if you all don't understand what i am saying.. because i also have no idea what am i typing.. a lie.. a lie is a place for everyone to hide... even though i know lying is a bad thing.. but sometimes lying is the best choice you ever make.. even though it maybe wrong.. but if telling to truth just hurts everyone.. a lie seem to be the best choice.. though it will hurt them more if they know you are lying.. but who don't lie.. everyone lie... to protect self and people they care about.. you may disagree.. but this is just my thinking..

Stop.. :(

Stop asking me.. please... i don't want to tell you cause i don't want to rely on you everytime i am sad or happy... i am a person who get used to things easily.. if you keep make me rely on you and when you are gone suddenly.. what am i to do.. so please.. stop asking.. just accept my lie.. trying to control myself.. but you are not helping.. stop making it any worst.. today i almost got the answer to my question.. but then the answer seems so distance i can't reach for it... from now on i am keeping all my problems to myself.. what is the point of share every of your problems.. it only make the people you share with worried.. the best lie i every make was to smile.. and it works.. :) i don't mind people sharing problems with me.. i will try to take the pain from most people and hide it away.. like it was never there.. i want everyone around me to be happy. :) please do not care what happen to me.. :) because everyone is a part of me.. :) let me take all your sadness away. :)

Home..

Is a place to sleep.. or is it more then that? Last time no matter what happens i always think that my home is the safest place on earth.. now is just a place for me to rest. a place for me to take a break from this world.. other then that i cannot find anymore reason for me to come home... miss having a whole family eating together.. that warmth.. i miss it.. now the coldness of home just make feel like going away.. but to think of it where would i go.. i lived here for as long as i can count.. so used to things here.. even if i am just walking not thinking.. i will still end up at the door of my house.. even my legs are used to walking here.. if i ever move house i wonder if everything will be the same ever again...

If..

第一最好不相见，如此便可不相忘 
第二最好不相知，如此便可不相思 
第三最好不相伴，如此便可不相欠 
第四最好不相惜，如此便可不相忆 
第五最好不相爱，如此便可不想弃 
第六最好不相对，如此便可不相会 
第七最好不相谈，如此便可不相负 
第八最好不相许，如此便可不相续 
第九最好不相依，如此便可不相偎 
第十最好不相遇，如此便可不相聚 
但首先相见便相知，相见何如不见时 
安得与君相决绝，免教生死作相思

Blind...

What is it like to be blind.. is it better? Being blind you can don't see how bad humans are.. you can't see how they look at you.. you can't see how they judge you.. but you will lose the colours of the world... but you might be more peaceful cause you won't have to think how you look like or how people look at you.. and you can feel the earth.. that not many eyes can see.. but you won't be able to see people who you care about.. and those who care for you.. if only humans are not so bad.. judging people by looks.. they judge a person by almost everything.. only the pretty/handsome onces are treated better... but everyone is pretty.. but not everyone see it... i don't know... cause what is pretty/handsome? we are all humans.. must we judge each other?.. and why am i saying this.. when i myself do that.. @@ i guess it is call human nature.. can't be help..

Choice..

I don't know what am i walking into... it seems like i only have this path.. all my other path are like block.. if i wait for the rest to open.. i might not have this path that is open.. or worst no more path.. but i am afraid i will regret walking this path.. if only this question was asked a few years back.. i might have the answer.. now i am hesitating... i am afraid... but isn't this what i wanted.. what is it that i want... == everytime i want something.. when i can almost have it i don't want it.. is it cause i am used to living my life of not having.. and yet when the thing come.. is all i wanted.. but i don't want it anymore... why... ~~

Hope ~~

Waiting.. and waiting.. kind of don't know if it is the right choice... wondering what is right what is wrong... stay or to go... stop or to continue... tired.. ~~ why does my head hurt that much.. maybe i am thinking too much.. but i can't don't think.. life is just so hard.. hoping it will be easier.. but it is still hard... and yet i am kind of afraid of the answer... not the answer to my life but the answer to my world... is like i been wanting this for so long.. but now.. i might be having.. but i am afraid of taking.. i don't know how to make myself happy anymore... is like so hard... >< can't i not change my life... i kind of like it the way it is... :\

Wavering... ~~

Like, don't like... hate, don't hate.... love, don't love... want, don't want... like the wave.. not even.. different speed... different height... strong... weak... i can't decide... like a dream i can't wake up from... what a long dream i am having.. afraid to wake.. scare that once wake up i will lose all the sweet things in the dream.. knowing that reality is not that nice to look at.... ~~ in my dreamland i guess... what to expect... life is just like this... haiz... >~<'''

Perfect..~~

I know.. i know i life doesn't seems prefect at all... but it actually is... we need to see it in a different way.. but then to tell the truth.. i am the one out of ........ people thinking that life is not as perfect as it seems.. i always thought if i see it in a different way life will be perfect... but no matter how i see it i don't think it is perfect.. i think life should not be perfect... if our life is perfect.. then what is the point of living.. you have everything... you don't need to earn for it you just have it... so the reason of have a imperfect life is to make your life perfect.. if you get what i am say.. well that is what i think.. don't know about everyone.. ~~ :)

Afraid ~~

I am getting more and more afraid.. what am i afraid of.. why is the future like so scary to go on.. there is a lot i don't know.. anyone has the answers to my question? i need the answers.. just give me the answers to my problems in life.. == i don't need the answers to the future.. i just need the answers to the present and the past.. will someone please give me!!.. god please... i really want to know the answers.. even if it is a bad thing i also want to know.... i really need to know... the mystery to my life is so hard to understand.. i afraid to go on.. but staying is of no help to me at all.... what is waiting for me infront... i can't see i can't feel it.. help... i need it.. @@

Fate..

My fate.. hmm.. should try that too.. what am i hoping for that is.. what do i want seriously.. what is it.. i don't even know myself.. what am i to do.. why i suddenly so stress... == cannot sleep in peace sia.. don't know i afraid of what.. staring at the ceiling last night... think until brain crack liao luh... == don't even know what is passing pass my mind... it just comes and go... just now my mum on some sad song.. The Whole Pile Of Memory Just Flood In... == almost die.. ~~ feel like crying but cannot cry.. sad sia.. STRESS!!! how am i to survive till the end this year!! WHAT AM I STRESS ABOUT!!! AH!!! T^T

我的爱，请全部带走。

从那遥远海边慢慢消失的你,本来模糊的脸竟然渐渐清晰,想要说些什麽又不知从何说起,只有把它放在心底。茫然走在海边看那潮来潮去，徒劳无功想把每朵浪花记清，想要说声爱你却被吹散在风里，猛然回头你在那里。如果大海能够唤回曾经的爱，就让我用一生等待，如果深情往事你已不再留恋，就让它随风飘远，如果大海能够带走我的哀愁，就像带走每条河流，所有受过的伤
所有流过的泪，我的爱，请全部带走。:)

Step by Step..

I am walking towards the future step by step.. not planning anything.. nothing is in my head.. i don't know what to expect.. if i don't plan for the future it will be hard for me... but then if i plan for it... what if it doesn't go the way i plan.. how am i to plan... i so stress.. money problems keep rising.. projects flooding in.. exams coming soon.. why.. how.. what am i to do.. who am i to tell.. what can i do.. AH!! soon.. soon i will go crazy.. i can just feel myself falling.. i can't hang in there any longer... this is the most i can do.. i hope i can hang in there.. at least after my exam.. right after my exam i don't care what happen.. cause at least i know i did try.. and that my mum won't be so sad.. cause i did.. i did finish my exam and not fail in everything.. but.. when will she be proud of me.. i just hoping too much.. but that is all i can give her.. i have nothing more le.. plus.. is my brother she care more about.. not me.. ~~

Future...

What is in the future that i can't see.. what will happen in the future that i will regret.. what will happen in the future that i will treasure.. what will happen in the future that make me so afraid... having dreams.. bad dreams.. and yet they are happening to me in real life.. if only i remember then it won't happen.. is like i have live this life before.. maybe i have live this life over and over again.. everything that happen is just happening all over again.. maybe my dreams are asking me to prevent it.. but why can't i remember what happen!!.. WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN!! is it cause i am to stress that is why i have bad dreams? but if that is the case why did my dreams keep happening in real life!! WHY!?!? omg i am sooooooo STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!

Waiting..

Waiting.. what am i waiting for.. why am i even waiting.. is there a reason i am waiting..? Time pass.. slow.. and fast.. don't know i want it to go faster or slower... waiting is always seem to be part of my life.. but this time i kind of afraid of waiting.. why is that.. what is it i am waiting for.. or who is it.. i am getting more and more afraid.. soon... i know... something is going to happen soon.. don't know if it is a good or bad thing.. but i have been having bad dreams.. scary dream.. have a bad feeling about that.. getting more and more afraid.. is there someone out there who can get me out of this.. i... i am... i am really afraid.. scare.. ~~

Me...

Day after day.. i am more and more afraid of the dark.. that feeling is back.. why.. why is it back.. the feeling of losing something... the feeling of losing everything.. the emptiness is hunting me again.. need a hug.. but who can give me that.. a hug.. ~~ i just found out that there is a wall between me and my friends.. always thought there is nothing there.. but there is.. i just ignore it.. after hitting on the wall so many times.. i finally know i can't break it.. i can only treat it like a glass.. but the fact that it there won't change anything... after finally accepting the wall.. i decided to shut myself in.. even i don't know myself anymore.. if i can't even understand myself who can.. can only feel my heart crying.. bleeding.. but outside.. i am smiling.. i can't cry.. tears are not there to fall.. soon.. soon i will be so tired of this.. ~~ how long can i do this.. ~~

I don't know anymore...

Smile.. is my way to show that i am not sad.. or at least is just to let people know that i am not sad.. that fact is i don't want any of you to worry.. seeing you all worry is sad for me.. i rather pretend to be happy at least you all don't need to worry.. is a lie i made.. and a lie that will always continue.. i don't want to lie.. but i don't know what to do already... smile :')

I know.. but yet you can't see..

You always say that money is not enough.. you think i can't see.. you scold me i keep quiet.. cause why.. cause you are bigger then me.. you say that i keep spend your money.. and yet you buy lego for that stupid brother of mine.. who doesn't know how to think.. you promise him so what.. have you ever seen him keeping his promise.. at least i did.. but you don't bother to notice.. you always see that bad side of me.. but have you ever try know me.. saying that i grow and become rebellious... but do you know that i been keep quiet all this year.. i already am controlling myself.. if i were to be rebellious it won't be that way.. i won't even listen to you.. stop forcing me.. i already have no way.. i can't hold in for long you know.. either i go crazy if not i will be really rebellious.. == till now i know you care.. but yet you didn't know you cause this...

Evil...

I am evil.. that i agree.. i am a bad person... that i also agree... but do tell me.. who isn't evil... who isn't bad.. everyone is.. i don't want to be a shiny angel that lies to everyone that i am kind.. well i am not.. i am a evil devil.. that does bad things.. i am the evil one.. it always have been... it is always my fault... no one else is at fault.. only me.. and why.. because it me.. blame everything on me.. ya my fault.. all my fault.. to you when am i ever right.. you are always right.. use to think you might understand.. but it seem you care about my brother more then care about me.. you help him in everything.. then why bother... to you i am nothing..

Wondering...

Fire.. you are here to help us.. but why at the same time you want to harm us.. Water.. you save us.. but why at the same time you want to kill us.. Earth.. you feed us.. why are you stopping.... Wind... you keep us cool... but why do you want to blow us away... Nature.. you are beautiful, pretty and lovely.. at the same time you are scary... why.. if we will get harm no matter what.. why are you all helping us in the first place.. i know is human's fault... but then humans are selfish i can't help it... @@ i can only agree that i am selfish.. don't about the rest.. ~~

Sad...

These few days my mind is blank.. don't really know what to write.. life suddenly to me has no meaning.. why am i born in the first place... some say we are born to finish our task.. that make us sound like god is just playing with us.. some say we are born to find out why.. and repay for whatever we have done to deserve this.. but what i don't get it is that.. why do this to us.. life is hard enough just by  thinking about money.. == while other people might wonder if that will live pass tomorrow.. some just waste their life.. while people like me wonder why are we even here.. how did it all started.. ~~ answers why do you always run away when i almost grab you..

Recently...

Just don't know what is right what is wrong anymore.. what is with all those dreams... i don't get it.. >~<'' why can't i remember what happen.. knowing that is a bad dream.. why can't i remember it.. why did i forget!!.. how can i forget.. my dreams keep happening in real life.. i use to think it is kind of nice... to be able to dream of something before it happens.. now.. i am kind of getting more and more afraid of it.. i don't want anything bad to happen to my life... is already messy enough..

What am i doing...

Kind of mess up.. why today when i wake................................. why? don't know how to type down.. hmm.. though i became happier... i also become more sad at the same time.. i don't get myself anymore... gosh just starting for the year i already so stress.. how am i going to survive the rest of this year.. >~<'' DIE!! don't know what i doing anymore... daddy.. if you could hear me.. could you help me... please.. at least guide me..i am so lost.. ~~~

Omg..

If i continue on like this... it will be a habit soon... omg... got to stop... but is like so hard... haiz.. aiyo today eat too much... FULL ~~ >~<'' tmr later gain 10kg... omgosh dies... TT..... (would you stop being so kind to me.. i can't hold it in any longer... to you maybe normal.. maybe you treat everyone the same... but to me is a big differences... if you know my past you will understand.. i don't want to treat you as a replacement.. i can't bare to do it.. but if you continue being this kind to me.. i will soon fall in and never want to come out.. is hard for me you know.. hope you will understand.. already trying to control myself... but your kindness is making me lose control of myself.. please stop.. i should also stop....) :(

....

Aiyo suddenly so nervous.... == Gosh why everything like so rush... everything is like happening next week... == ah... STRESS!!!! @@ what am i to do... what to bring for camp... what will happen during camp... what will happen next week... omgosh... AH!!! TT

Lost ~~

Suddenly feel lost.... gosh.. is there no way out... suddenly remember still got EFC... my god... hmm... life is so... so many decision to make.. i can't decide.. since i am a type of person who don't like to decide... die... end up also must make a choice.... == GOD BLESS ME!!! sian la... don't know what i want anymore.. what am i really thinking... or what do i really want...aiyo... x.x

STRESS!!

OMG!! what is with the camp coming up... and the stupid dress up thingy... wth... mind full liao la... don't know what to bring... i don't want wear make up la.. so ma fan.... == never really like the feeling of make up... though it make a person look nice pretty and all... but is like hiding myself... hmm... and best part is i already am hiding myself.. if i put on make up won't i be covering up myself instead.. i have no offense between people who put on make up... i like in a way too.. just uncomfortable putting it on... hmm... WHAT TO DO!! ~~

hmm....

Yesterday... had fun.. at the same time.. make me think until like crazy... >~<'' why must everyone follow me... == stand there alone.. suddenly become in the middle... walk out then suddenly at the middle again.... o.o cannot walk out de meh.. what is with the girlfriend thingy... since when did i become his girlfriend.. == i don't even know sia.... maybe i heard it wrong.. but then at the same time i know what i heard... @@ the rest i won't say.. just let me keep it as a memory then.. hmm... what the hell am i thinking now... o.o blank mind how cute.. x.x

You.....

You are still in my mind... why... is it that i like you... or is it that i must find out something from you... or is it that i must remember something about you that i forget... what is it... though i love puzzle but i have never been good at guessing... so would you just tell me... i want to know... more like i have to know... if not it will get worst... and i will think too much... like i always do... so what is it... will you tell me... please... i want to know... i am willing to that the consequences of this answer i am suppose to know... please... just tell me... and tell me soon... thank you...

Sky... ~~

Why are you so high... Why are you so blue at times... so white at times.. so dark at times... Why do you have a bright sun i can't see... can't stare at it... Why do you have so many stars and i can't pluck them... and a moon as bright as light.. ~~ so not reachable.... Cloud so fluffy yet can't reach or feel it.. Why is everything so hard to get... too high to reach... too far to catch... why can't i have any of it... why is that things i want i can't get.. and in the end.. i realize that some things are just with me.. but.. i am greedy.. can't i have more.. i don't even know what i have the truth is... i can't see it anymore.. use to be able.. now... i don't get anything anymore... what is it that i want... what is it that you want from me... why is everything so ~~ messy.... why is my life like this...

Thinking...

Thinking.. Wondering.. Hoping... Wishing... what's the point... == is there any meaning to this... Believe.. what am i hanging on to.. why am i kind of scare of you.. when i see you feel like talking to you at the same time feel like hiding.. what is it that i want.. but hiding from you i will feel a little upset... don't hide from you i feel scare... afraid... and i don't know why... >~<'' you keep appearing in my mind.. why is it?... what is this feeling i am having.. is like never felt before.. never had this feeling before... what am i suppose to do... i really don't know...

Lala land..

Why shows nowadays.. lovers are like not meant to be.. they are just separated... even though they like each other.. it's just a drama and it already so hard.. kind of telling me that in the real world.. this is the fact of it.. ending lovers separated.. but knowing that they will still love each other no matter what.. but it's sad.. why can't they be together.. is that really very hard.. so much is flowing though my brain... having a headache... gosh... why... why... is it so hard.. :(

What do i want...

Why your name keep appearing in my head.. why your image keep popping out of my mind... what is it that i must find out from you.. why do you even appear.. brain... what do you want... i don't get you.. i don't understand... why.. you keep appearing and i don't know why.. what am i suppose to do.. you are like something i lost long time ago.. but i believe we never meet before.. but your name.. is just where did i heard it before.. or did i even heard it before... what is it.. am i suppose to remember something i forgotten? what did i forget.. who are you? have we met? seeing you feels familiar.. but i don't remember seeing you at all in the past.. maybe you were someone i knew in my past life.. who knows... god doesn't want to let me know... maybe is better not knowing.. but i prefer to know at least i know the reason why and won't regret.. even if i do regret at least i know i asked for it..

Ironic...

I just realize how ironic people can be.. never actually thought it that way.. (We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones that ignore us, love the ones who hurt us, and hurts the ones who love us..) how funny can this be.. why don't god just make everyone one pair.. that everyone who change liking someone else... and no one will be hurt.. from the day that they were born they were meant to be.. maybe i seen too much drama watch too much anime.. and i believe that happily ever after existed... don't understand why everything is so hard.. don't understand why is there mean people.. and that good people always seem to die first... why is there like nothing i understand in this world? what am i suppose to understand.. and why can't i understand..