What if..

What if i miss you.. what if i was thinking of you.. what if i wish you were here.. what if the skies here were full of star.. what if it's forever full moon.. what if i was giving up.. what if i am stilling loving you.. what if i suddenly disappear.. what if you were here.. what if i need you.. what if!! what... if... i really don't know anymore.. you are near but yet so far.. so far until i can't see you.. what to do.. tired.. pray for a better tomorrow.. not sure am i even gonna be given that chance.. if i was going to die.. i wish i had a lot of money at that time.. hope to plan something unforgettable at least before everything end.. and i start losing who i am finding.. where am i? who am i? why am i me? what am i suppose to do? when can i find myself? how can i do that?

For how long?

How long has it been since i haven't write anything here.. very long i guess.. either way nothing to look forward here... haiz.. truth is i know how adults see me.. adults referring to my uncles and aunts.. i know they think that i am lazy.. and may be a bad influence to their kids or whatsoever but seriously.. what you want me to do.. i go there on a holiday not go there study like crazy.. even if i want to study i don't have the mood to do it.. so what is your problem?? i am tired of knowing how you all see me.. so what.. your child is smarter than me.. i am not them.. why must i be smart/ hardworking just to be able to love by you all.. i am just trying to be who i am isn't that good enough already? i am who i am... so please stop comparing me with everyone... i am the only one in this world who is me.. GET IT!?!?! ME!! Not him.. Not her.. Not them.. Not they.. ME!! and only me.. == seriously.. i give up.. that is what everybody wants.. a smart, hardworking........ people.. why am i in this world anyway.. why does everyone want me to be who they want.. seriously... if you can't do it how the hell you want me to do it.. life is getting harder you know.. not easier.. i am already stress enough.. can you all just stop it.. i am already at the cliff end.. who you want me do.. i only got two choice.. one jump down the cliff (give up).. two push pass all of you (try again).. but you are no giving me a chance to push pass... i really don't know anymore.. so should i continue studying.. i really don't see myself in the light anymore.. no matter how hard i try i can never the person to please all of you.. really.. i can't.. is not that i don't want.. but seriously.. nevermind.. i know one day.. that day is closer.. i feel it.. i will go crazy.. i wish everyone the best.. i'll be praying for that day to come slower..